Everyone has rocky patches in marriage. It\u2019s inevitable in any long-term relationship. So, how do you know whether your marriage is salvageable, or whether it\u2019s definitely over? In this blog I share five questions to ask yourself to help you answer the ultimate one: \u2018Should I Get Divorced?\u2019.<\/p>\n
Before we get into the main questions, let\u2019s deal with the critical issue of domestic violence and safety first.<\/p>\n
If you are in an abusive relationship then your priority is to stay safe. Ultimately, if you have recognised that your spouse is abusive or dangerous, then I hope you will want a future without them. However, the sad truth is that the most dangerous time in abusive relationships is at the point you try to leave.<\/p>\n
So your immediate priority is to make a safety plan, not to declare your intention to leave. The best way to make a safety plan is with a domestic abuse professional. Refuge<\/a> has a National Domestic Abuse Helpline, and a wealth of resources to help you plan. If you are worried about your spouse discovering that you have been seeking help, try to get a secret phone you can use for research and calls.<\/p>\n Try to locate and gather important documents together, such as passports, birth certificates, and bank statements. If you have joint assets or legal agreements, make sure you have these too. Also pack yourself an emergency bag, with a change of clothes for you and your children, plus some cash if possible, just in case you need to leave in a hurry. If it\u2019s safe and possible to ask a friend, they could store belongings for you.<\/p>\n Get the help you need and focus on your safety. Divorce can wait.<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve asked yourself the question \u2018Should I get divorced?\u2019 then there\u2019s clearly something wrong in your relationship. But what does \u2018right\u2019 look like? Unless you have your answer to this question, it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll repeat unhealthy relationship patterns into the future.<\/p>\n Questions of \u2018what\u2019s important\u2019 come down to values. Values are our touchstones for living well: they are the foundation of everything else. When we are living in a way that\u2019s not aligned with our values, we feel flat, unhappy, angry. And when we can come back to our values, we feel a sense of belonging again.<\/p>\n The great thing about working with values, is that how they show up in the world can be very flexible. Let\u2019s say you have a value of \u2018companionship\u2019. It\u2019s important to you that you spend quality time with the person you\u2019re in a relationship with. But what this can look like could be all sorts of things: watching a favourite series on Netflix could achieve this value, as could going out for a meal, or on holiday together. But if companionship is your value, and your spouse isn\u2019t interested in spending time together, it\u2019s likely to leave you unhappy.<\/p>\n So ask yourself the question: \u2018what\u2019s important to me about a relationship?\u2019, and notice what comes up. Do you see a way you might achieve those things within this marriage, if you worked at it?<\/p>\n When marriages become unhealthy it\u2019s usually because communication isn\u2019t happening. Communication doesn\u2019t usually stop overnight, it\u2019s more a drip, drip, drip effect of not noticing or listening to each other. How easy is it for you to talk to your spouse? Do you have times in the day or the week when you spend time together? How willing would you be to do that, even if it felt awkward at first?<\/p>\n Here\u2019s my number one tip for talking through difficulties and emotions with your spouse (or anyone!): use \u2018I\u2019 statements.<\/p>\n Rather than \u2018You are an awful husband\u2019, which will instantly put them on the defensive, go for \u2018I\u2019ve not been happy in this marriage for a long time\u2019. When you talk about yourself and your feelings, the other person might not like what you have to say, but they can\u2019t disagree with you – you are the expert in you!<\/p>\n You may find that you\u2019re avoiding communication with your spouse because of how they react. If your spouse has anger issues, or uses their emotions to manipulate you or control your behaviour, then please read about abusive behaviour<\/a>.<\/p>\n While many couples find it difficult to have open, helpful conversations with one another when their marriages have become unhealthy, you should not feel afraid of speaking to your other half.<\/p>\n I am a big advocate of relationship counselling! This might sound strange, coming from a divorce coach. But relationship counselling can be a lifesaver for your marriage. It can be a place to get you communicating effectively and healthily again, paving the way for many more years of happy marriage.<\/p>\n It can also be a safe, helpful venue to explore the subject of leaving. You might be asking yourself whether you should get divorced, but have no idea how to raise it with your spouse. And how you raise it is important. It can set the tone for an amicable divorce, or a combative one. Believe me, the more amicable your divorce, the better. As soon as egos get in the way, it\u2019s not just tempers that rise, it\u2019s costs too. So, while paying for a relationship counsellor may be an expense, if it does mean you set out on your divorce journey as peacefully as possible, it\u2019s well worth it.<\/p>\n When people are considering divorce, they are usually full of indignation, as well as sadness. They feel let down by their spouse. But here\u2019s a hard truth for you: it takes two to make a marriage work. There does need to be some give and take. So your job is to work out what you\u2019re prepared to change, as well as what you\u2019d like your spouse to change. And then broach the subject.<\/p>\n If you find that you\u2019re unwilling to make any changes (no judgement here, you are the expert in what you want and need), then it may well be the end of the line for your marriage. Yes, it might be possible that if you raise your complaints with your spouse, they understand, agree, adjust their behaviour, and things work out.<\/p>\n But, unless both parties feel like they\u2019re in it together, resentment brews. If one of you feels as though they are bending over backwards for the other, sooner or later you will reach communication breakdown and crisis point.<\/p>\n This one\u2019s huge. One of the things I always tell my clients considering divorce (as well as \u2018don\u2019t call a solicitor yet!\u2019) is \u2018you take yourself with you\u2019. What do I mean by that? I mean if you\u2019re not happy with yourself, then you won\u2019t be happy after your divorce either. You need to be clear that you aren\u2019t running away from you.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong, an unhealthy marriage can contribute to a bad relationship with yourself. If you\u2019ve spent years being put down, or putting your needs and interests aside for the sake of your marriage or spouse, it\u2019s likely you don\u2019t feel good about yourself. But the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself – you\u2019ve got it for life! So, unless your marriage is putting you in danger, I highly recommend working through what\u2019s at the root of your feelings of unhappiness first.<\/p>\n These questions are all vital in making a smart, confident decision to divorce, or not. And, as a divorce coach, I can help you work through them to get clearer, quicker.<\/p>\n Divorce coaching isn\u2019t only about helping you navigate through the legal process of divorce. It\u2019s also about helping you be your own best friend, and make the decision that\u2019s right for you.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re struggling to work through your situation alone, book an Ask The Alchemist session with me for 90 minutes and get the answers, and the way forward, you need this summer.<\/p>\n Book a free chat<\/a> to see how I can help here.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In this blog I share five questions to ask yourself to help you answer the ultimate one: \u2018Should I Get Divorced?\u2019.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19062,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19061","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-thinking-about-a-divorce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/August-2023-%E2%80%98Should-I-Get-Divorced-Five-Questions-To-Ask-Yourself-To-Help-You-Decide-min.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4Xr","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19061","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19061"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19061\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19062"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19061"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19061"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19061"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>If your relationship is not abusive, here are the key questions to ask yourself.<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>1. What\u2019s important to me about a relationship?<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>2. How easy is it to talk to my spouse?<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>3. Am I willing to try relationship counselling?<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>4. What am I willing to give and take?<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>5. How\u2019s your relationship with yourself?<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>Should I Get Divorced?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n