{"id":19063,"date":"2023-08-17T06:30:37","date_gmt":"2023-08-17T05:30:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=19063"},"modified":"2023-08-17T16:42:05","modified_gmt":"2023-08-17T15:42:05","slug":"decided-to-divorce-the-top-5-ways-to-get-divorce-ready","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/decided-to-divorce-the-top-5-ways-to-get-divorce-ready\/","title":{"rendered":"Decided To Divorce? The Top 5 Ways To Get Divorce Ready"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>One of the questions I get asked the most by women who\u2019ve just decided to divorce is \u2018What do I need to do now?\u2019. Of course, some of this will depend on your individual situation. But if you\u2019ve decided to get divorced (if you\u2019re on the fence, start with my \u2018<a href=\"https:\/\/emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/should-i-get-divorced-5-questions-to-ask-yourself-to-help-you-decide\">Should I Get Divorced?\u2019 Guide here<\/a>), then there are some key pillars to get in place. Here are the top 5 ways to get divorce ready.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"allow_your_feelings\"><\/span>Allow your feelings<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Please don\u2019t roll your eyes! The very first thing I tell my clients to do is\u2026 absolutely nothing. (This doesn\u2019t apply if you\u2019re in an abusive or dangerous situation: get help making <a href=\"https:\/\/refuge.org.uk\/?gad=1&amp;gclid=Cj0KCQjw2eilBhCCARIsAG0Pf8tR-qVJY3acKgKAmwtrHX0k2NtL5swcrFT2LTsBE8J7SKUPlxSb37AaAgWeEALw_wcB\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">a safety plan from professionals<\/a>.)<\/p>\n<p>Divorce is like a grenade in your life. Even if it was your idea. The proverb \u2018more haste less speed\u2019 applies to many things, and divorce is definitely one of them. When you rush to act once the decision to divorce is made, you are more likely to:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>React emotionally rather than respond wisely<\/li>\n<li>Communicate poorly with your soon-to-be-ex<\/li>\n<li>Jump to decisions you regret later<\/li>\n<li>Repeat patterns in future relationships.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>So let the dust settle for a while. Journal out your feelings. Talk with a therapist or divorce coach (like me!) to understand how you\u2019re feeling right now. But let your body and mind absorb the news. Divorce is a big deal, and when you do act, you want to do it with both feet on the ground, not dazed with shock.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"know_what_you_want\"><\/span>Know what you want<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>The next thing you need to do is check in with yourself. If you\u2019re getting divorced, something isn\u2019t working well in your marriage or life. So, what would a well-functioning life and relationship look like?<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019m not saying you need to go hunting for a new relationship, now or ever! But understanding what living well looks like to you will guide you as you navigate the divorce process and beyond.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s really important to know what you want, but to hold it lightly. It\u2019s unlikely every single detail of what you\u2019d like from a divorce settlement will come to pass. You will have to negotiate, and compromise. This is why having a foundation built on values is important. It helps you sift between options.<\/p>\n<p>For example, if freedom is an important value for you, you may feel more able to let go of some valuable furniture that your soon-to-be-ex would like. It\u2019s not worth battling over. But you\u2019ll stand your ground over getting proper financial and childcare support.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"know_your_numbers\"><\/span>Know your numbers<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>It is absolutely essential that you understand your financial picture, and, as far as possible, your soon-to-be-ex\u2019s. If you go through the courts, you\u2019ll need to do a full disclosure. Spoiler: not everyone is as open as they should be about disclosure, so have a keen eye for what your ex-spouse declares (and doesn\u2019t). You have a right to query.<\/p>\n<p>Knowing your numbers means looking at your assets, then your liabilities. Your assets are anything you own that\u2019s worth something. If you own your home, that\u2019s likely to be the biggest asset. You need to get it valued. Consider whether you have any art, jewellery and antiques, and who brought it to the relationship. Not everything will need to be part of the marital pot, but you need to have a case for why or why not. You\u2019ll also need to track down bank accounts, savings, investments and pensions.<\/p>\n<p>Then you need to work out everything you owe. This will include loans, debts, mortgages and charges.<\/p>\n<p>Getting all this information together can be a daunting job. Take it slowly and do it step by step.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"agree_how_to_tell_the_children_and_what_next\"><\/span>Agree how to tell the children (and what next)<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Children don\u2019t have to suffer in divorce. You can decide now to have a child-centred divorce. You really can.<\/p>\n<p>And, unless your soon-to-be-ex is a complete tool, they can decide that too. Does it mean you\u2019ll have a smooth sailing, wonderful, co-parenting relationship from hereon in? No. You will definitely have disagreements about parenting. But you can both do your very best to set your egos aside so you don\u2019t use your children as pawns in power games.<\/p>\n<p>It can feel terrifying getting ready to tell your children. But, usually the anticipation is worse than the event itself. Before you have the big conversation you and your soon-to-be-ex need to agree:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What\u2019s happening now? For example, is anyone moving out?<\/li>\n<li>What\u2019s happening next? Will the children spend their weeks with both of you? Which days will they be where?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>You probably won\u2019t have all the details and all the answers. And that\u2019s fine. Have the main messages in place, and be honest if you don\u2019t know. A simple \u2018We\u2019re still working that out but I\u2019ll let you know as soon as I can\u2019 is better than making things up that you\u2019ll have to go back on.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"get_your_support_team_in_place\"><\/span>Get your support team in place<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>You cannot do divorce alone. At the very least, you need to make the people in your life (and your children\u2019s lives) aware. Think about what you need to tell them and what you want from them. For example:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Your boss: I wanted to make you aware I am getting a divorce, and so am likely to be under pressure these next few months. I may occasionally need some flexibility to attend solicitor\u2019s meetings. Thanks for understanding.<\/li>\n<li>Child\u2019s school: I am separating from [child\u2019s name\u2019s] dad\/other parent, and wanted to make you aware, in case they are upset or not themselves at school.<\/li>\n<li>Friends: We\u2019re separating. Are you up for me ranting at you at 1am?<\/li>\n<li>Siblings: I\u2019m separating from [name]. Please don\u2019t say \u2018I told you so\u2019 or \u2018but they\u2019re so nice.\u2019 But I\u2019d love a hug sometime.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>As well as the people already in your world, think about who you need to add in to support you:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>A therapist can help you work through difficult emotions, historic patterns and trauma<\/li>\n<li>A financial adviser can help you get to grips with your numbers<\/li>\n<li>A solicitor can help you come to financial and child agreements if needed<\/li>\n<li>A divorce coach, like me, can walk with you through it all, helping you make the decisions that are right for you.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"decided_to_divorce_ready_for_more\"><\/span>Decided to divorce: ready for more?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>If you\u2019re serious about getting your divorce on track, you need to come and join us in The Absolute Academy!<\/p>\n<p>The Absolute Academy is a private community for women who want to take control of their divorce and feel better while doing it. You may not need to use a solicitor at all. And if you do instruct a solicitor I\u2019m confident you can use them more effectively than you are now. So you\u2019ll save thousands of pounds.<\/p>\n<p>But it\u2019s not just about the money. When you take charge of your divorce you put the power back in your hands. What would it feel like to make the right decisions for your divorce, backed up with my support and a whole community of women behind you? You\u2019ll feel unstoppable.<\/p>\n<p>Come and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/the-absolute-academy\/\">join us today<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\"><b>Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/gb\/podcast\/the-six-minute-divorce-podcast-with-emma-heptonstall\/id1547792197\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019ve decided to divorce, there are some key pillars to get in place. Here are the top 5 ways to get divorce ready. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19064,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,2730,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19063","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-get-divorce-ready-posts","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/August-2023-Decided-To-Divorce-The-Top-5-Ways-To-Get-Divorce-Ready-min.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4Xt","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19063","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19063"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19063\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19064"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19063"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19063"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19063"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}