{"id":19465,"date":"2024-05-02T06:30:45","date_gmt":"2024-05-02T05:30:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=19465"},"modified":"2025-11-12T07:13:29","modified_gmt":"2025-11-12T07:13:29","slug":"7-signs-of-a-high-conflict-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/7-signs-of-a-high-conflict-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"Are you in a High Conflict Divorce? 7 Signs You Need to Know"},"content":{"rendered":"

No divorce is a walk in the park. But high conflict divorce takes it to a whole other level. And I\u2019d say over half of my clients are in a high conflict divorce or separation, without having a clue. Are you? Read on to hear Sarah\u2019s story, understand the 7 signs of a high conflict divorce, and learn why it\u2019s so vital to recognise if it\u2019s where you are right now.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Sarah\u2019s story<\/span><\/h2>\n

Sarah (not her real name) was one of my first clients. At first glance, her divorce seemed straightforward, and Sarah was in a good position. She\u2019d risen through the ranks in her corporate career. She had enough money not to worry about the future, and was confident she could manage her divorce – after all she managed huge budgets and decision-making at work. She wanted my support to clarify her thinking, and to save her time and stress in the divorce process. Which was a wise move.<\/p>\n

Because all wasn\u2019t as it seemed with Sarah\u2019s marriage. As we started working together, her husband, let\u2019s call him Peter, revealed himself to be quite a tricky character. He put up barriers to everything Sarah suggested. He grudgingly agreed to mediation then didn\u2019t show up.<\/p>\n

And, over time, Sarah revealed snippets to me that showed this was a pattern of behaviour, one that had started before they were married. If Peter didn\u2019t get his own way, he\u2019d \u2018kick off\u2019. He\u2019d hide the car keys. He\u2019d throw the car keys at Sarah. He\u2019d cancel plans with friends behind Sarah\u2019s back, telling them Sarah was ill.<\/p>\n

And, the thing is, Sarah had accepted all of this as \u2018just being how he is\u2019. She\u2019d given him the benefit of the doubt, and put this behaviour down to his temper and insecurity stemming from a difficult childhood.<\/p>\n

The truth of the matter is, this was an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Peter was using manipulation, power and control to get what he wanted. And it was only when Sarah started to see his behaviour for what it was that the divorce could progress.<\/p>\n

At first, when I raised this with Sarah, she made excuses for him. And, don\u2019t get me wrong, I understand that many abusive behaviours come from perpetrators being abused or badly treated themselves. But that doesn\u2019t mean they are acceptable. Sarah started to see that the dynamic she had with Peter, both in their marriage and as they were divorcing, was abusive.<\/p>\n

Seeing it for what it was meant she could accept the reality of her situation, and act accordingly. Next time on the blog I\u2019ll share the five things you need to put in place when you\u2019re in a high conflict divorce – these are the things Sarah did. But for now, know that Sarah was able to get through her divorce, and is out the other side, with her own home and a new partner.<\/p>\n

<\/span>7 signs of a high conflict divorce<\/span><\/h2>\n

So how do you know if your divorce is high conflict? Here are 7 signs:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Constant arguments: It\u2019s normal for there to be some tension and arguing with your soon-to-be-ex. But if you find that arguments are the only way you interact, despite your best efforts to be reasonable or seek resolution, you may have a high conflict personality on your hands<\/li>\n
  2. Communication difficulties: arguing is one form of high conflict communication. Another is non-responsiveness, a refusal to engage – even when the court has got involved. Another is twisting your words, or gaslighting you – claiming you said or did things that weren\u2019t the case.<\/li>\n
  3. Legal battles: A high conflict person thrives on battle-mode, often while claiming to be the victim. If you find every point to do with the children, property, finance or business contested, it may be a high conflict situation. Equally, if your spouse refuses to engage in the legal process at all, or only on their terms, it\u2019s a sign of high conflict.<\/li>\n
  4. Emotional intensity: High conflict personalities tend to have extreme emotions. In the early days of a relationship, this can look like \u2018love bombing\u2019 making you feel like the most important person in the world. When it comes to divorce, it\u2019s more likely to look like rage, extreme defensiveness, over reactions to minor issues and guilt-tripping.<\/li>\n
  5. Inflexibility: High conflict people need to \u2018win\u2019 and often lack empathy. They can only see what\u2019s right from their perspective, and it has to be that way or nothing. This can make mediation, negotiation and even access to information difficult.<\/li>\n
  6. Marshalling their troops: In their efforts to be right, your soon-to-be-ex may involve as many people as possible in the divorce. They may contact friends and family, bring in all manner of unnecessary professional third parties, creating complexity and drama.<\/li>\n
  7. Weaponised co-parenting: One of the saddest aspects of high conflict divorce is when the children are used as pawns in a power game. A high conflict parent will not put the children\u2019s needs first, and use them to make your life miserable. They may also attempt to alienate the children from you.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    If you recognise several of these signs in your divorce, it’s essential to seek specialist support. Not all lawyers or divorce coaches are trained in high conflict, and as high conflict personalities are often skilled manipulators, you can get burned.<\/p>\n

    Trained professionals will spot the signs when your high conflict ex plays their games. They can support you to make smart decisions to de-escalate the conflict as far as possible, and ensure you hold onto your reality. It is so important to approach a high conflict divorce with the right tools for the job. It\u2019s the equivalent of trying to farm crops on a rocky outcrop versus a fertile valley. It can be done – but only if you know how.<\/p>\n

    If you\u2019ve read this and are thinking \u2018Oh wow, that\u2019s my ex to a tee!\u2019, then I want to reassure you. It\u2019s not the end of the world. In fact, you\u2019ve already done the most important thing, by recognising your situation as high conflict.<\/p>\n

    I\u2019d love to help you take the next step towards your future, a future free from the grasp of your high conflict spouse. Just book in a free call and let\u2019s chat<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    <\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n

    Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released \u2018Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u2019. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u00a0click here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

    Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

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