{"id":19491,"date":"2024-08-01T06:30:57","date_gmt":"2024-08-01T05:30:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=19491"},"modified":"2024-07-23T11:26:48","modified_gmt":"2024-07-23T10:26:48","slug":"the-five-words-you-need-to-cope-with-divorce-and-mum-guilt-over-the-summer-holidays","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/the-five-words-you-need-to-cope-with-divorce-and-mum-guilt-over-the-summer-holidays\/","title":{"rendered":"The five words you need to cope with divorce and mum guilt over the summer holidays"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The height of summer is supposed to be about blissful, lazy days. Lounging around, sipping drinks, catching up on holiday reading. If you\u2019re a working mum in the midst of the divorce, summer holidays might be just the opposite. Children to entertain, alongside the stress of divorce and keeping on top of work is three jobs in one stress-laced cocktail.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I know many of my clients are in this position, so in this blog I\u2019m going to share the five words you need to cope with your divorce and mum guilt over the summer holidays, and some tips on what that might look like in reality.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"the_five_words_you_need\"><\/span><b>The five words you need\u00a0<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I have a friend with three small children, and every time I\u2019m with her as she\u2019s juggling the multiple demands for snacks, toilet trips, etc, I hear the same, well worn phrases come up:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018No, do not hit your brother\u2019<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018I\u2019m not a bin, there\u2019s a bin over there\u2019<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Have you washed your hands?\u2019<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can imagine, and probably add your own.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But here\u2019s the one I wanted to share with you today:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>\u2018I am a person too\u2019.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Those five words. She first said this when her children were sharing a packet of chocolate buttons between \u2018everyone\u2019 &#8211; which turned out to be all the children but not her. And it was no big deal, we laugh regularly at how children don\u2019t consciously recognise the adults in their life as real people.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But it got me thinking about this phrase. It\u2019s one worth remembering, because it is so easy to lose sight of. In theory, we all know that we are people &#8211; that we have similar rights and needs as everyone else. But, in reality, when you\u2019re a working parent, and you\u2019re also navigating the emotional rollercoaster of divorce, it\u2019s easy to lose sight of our own personhood.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>You are a person too.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What does that mean when you\u2019re divorcing during the summer holidays?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_its_okay_to_put_your_divorce_down\"><\/span><b>1. It\u2019s okay to put your divorce down<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a divorce coach, one of my key messages is that you are the CEO of your divorce. That means you take charge, you set the direction, you don\u2019t hide from the difficult things, and you harness the resources you need.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Another of my key messages is that you don\u2019t have to do this 24\/7. In fact, it\u2019s impossible. There never really was such a thing as a \u2018quickie divorce\u2019 in this country, but now a 20 week cooling off period is built into the system. Which means your divorce will take over five months, at the very least (and usually longer). So rest is actually critical. You are a person too, not just someone getting through divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">August is a fantastic time to slow down with your divorce. Why? Because everything else does. Whether you have children or not, in England and Wales offices and courts will be operating with fewer staff over the traditional holiday period.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You will end up frazzled if you try to keep all the balls in the air while the children are around. So if something needs to give, trust me as a divorce coach, it\u2019s okay to put your divorce down for a while. In fact, the space will most likely help your clarity of thought and decision-making when you pick it up again.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_its_okay_to_set_boundaries_with_your_children_to_ensure_your_needs_are_met\"><\/span><b>2. It\u2019s okay to set boundaries with your children to ensure your needs are met<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There\u2019s a lot of pressure on summer holidays, just like Christmas, to be magical. But in reality, we all know that life isn\u2019t like an advert for Disneyland. In fact, from what people tell me, an actual trip to Disneyland isn\u2019t like the adverts either! The point is, it\u2019s unrealistic to expect your children\u2019s weeks to pass in a whirl of solid fun and merriment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You are a person too. That means it\u2019s reasonable and necessary to ensure your needs are met, as well as your children\u2019s. What does that look like? It might mean setting out in advance with your children some dos and don\u2019ts, so they know what to expect.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For example, maybe you\u2019ll say that before 9.30am every morning they can entertain themselves with the TV while you have some quiet time. Or that they will need to go to the kids\u2019 club at the gym for an hour a week so you don\u2019t miss your class. Or that they will need to go to the holiday club each morning for a week so you can do your job.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It might mean allowing yourself to say no calmly before you end up erupting in anger. Constant requests for your attention, or money, or things, can and will wear you down. By recognising how you are feeling and saying \u2018no\u2019 before seeing red, you\u2019ll keep the mood calmer for everyone. \u2018No, I can\u2019t play mario kart with you now because I am busy, but I will play with you for 20 minutes after 5pm\u2019. \u2018No, you can\u2019t have an ice cream every day, but we will go and get one on Friday\u2019.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And, don\u2019t worry. Some of the most magical moments of childhood come from being bored! Read more about the <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/childmind.org\/article\/the-benefits-of-boredom\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">benefits of boredom for children<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> (and all of us!) if you need convincing!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_its_okay_to_take_advantage_of_breaks_to_come_back_to_yourself\"><\/span><b>3. It\u2019s okay to take advantage of breaks to come back to yourself<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Many of my clients are understandably resentful of the fact their ex-partners are the \u2018Disney Dads\u2019. They don\u2019t do the hard work of ensuring the school uniform is clean, or the ballet classes are booked and attended, or that there\u2019s a meal to eat every evening. But then they do show up every so often flashing the cash, paying for amazing holidays, top-of-the-range gear and fabulous day trips.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is unfair and there\u2019s no way around it. I just have two pieces of advice for you. Firstly, hard as it is to feel right now, your children will see through this. It might not feel like it, but in years to come they will understand everything you\u2019ve done for them, day in, day out. As a divorce coach with ten years\u2019 experience, I\u2019ve supported enough women to know this to be true.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And secondly, this is an opportunity to remember that you are a person too. While it\u2019s not fair that he takes the children to Turkey for a week and you can\u2019t afford to, it does mean that you get a break. Don\u2019t feel guilty about using that break to reconnect with yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You are a person too. You have things you love and things you hate, as everyone does. Your life isn\u2019t just about keeping the plates spinning. It\u2019s about remembering what brings you joy, and making time to do some of those things.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Having time doing things just for you is so important. Your divorce will be better for it (because you\u2019ll have a clearer idea of your vision and values) and your parenting will be better for it (because you\u2019ll have more bandwidth to support your children).<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>You are a person too<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Remember that, over the summer holidays, and always.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you want support reconnecting with what that really means after the ravages of your marriage, so you can get your divorce truly done your way, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">just book a call<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. I\u2019d love to help.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" data-abc=\"true\"><b>Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released \u2018Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u2019. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u00a0<strong><a class=\"ProsemirrorEditor-link\" href=\"https:\/\/emmaheptonstall.com\/yes\">click here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\">Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/gb\/podcast\/the-six-minute-divorce-podcast-with-emma-heptonstall\/id1547792197\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In this blog I\u2019m going to share the five words you need to cope with your divorce and mum guilt over the summer holidays, and some tips on what that might look like in reality.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19492,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,397],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19491","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-and-divorce","category-divorce-self-care"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/1st-August-2024-The-five-words-you-need-to-cope-with-divorce-and-mum-guilt-over-the-summer-holidays.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-54n","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19491","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19491"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19491\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19492"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19491"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19491"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19491"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}