{"id":19506,"date":"2024-09-05T06:30:19","date_gmt":"2024-09-05T05:30:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=19506"},"modified":"2024-08-28T09:29:32","modified_gmt":"2024-08-28T08:29:32","slug":"three-practical-exercises-to-map-your-personal-divorce-journey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/three-practical-exercises-to-map-your-personal-divorce-journey\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Practical Exercises to Map Your Personal Divorce Journey"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The word \u2018journey\u2019 is often used about divorce &#8211; including by me. Why? Because divorce is a complex process that gets you to somewhere new. It\u2019s a major, stressful life event that requires you to do plenty of reflection and direction-setting. The legal process has simplified in recent years, but that doesn\u2019t mean the emotional or logistical one has. In this blog we\u2019ll map out your personal divorce journey, and I\u2019ll share powerful reflective exercises you can do to stay on track in the tough times.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In this blog we\u2019ll focus on the mindset and emotional side of divorce, but it\u2019s important to stay on top of the practical side of things too. Take a look at <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/creating-a-divorce-plan-part-1\/\">this blog on preparing your divorce plan<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to help with that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"your_divorce_starting_point\"><\/span><b>Your divorce starting point<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One of the defining features of a journey is that it takes you from one place to another. So as you embark on your journey it\u2019s important to recognise where you\u2019re starting from. And, importantly, what you want to leave behind. Grab your journal and ask yourself these questions:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why am I getting divorced? What factors mean I no longer want to be in this marriage?\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What are the red flags about this relationship? What behaviours and dynamics feel unhealthy?\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Is there anything about <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">me<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I want to leave behind? Are there thoughts, behaviours or ways of being that I no longer want to embody?\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What about me do I want to take with me? What do I like and value about myself? (Remember, if your marriage has ground you down it can feel hard to find things to like and value about yourself, but dig deep, they are there).<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s so essential to take stock of your current situation as you begin your divorce journey &#8211; and to repeat the process regularly. This is for two main reasons.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Firstly, it helps you stay intentional. It gives you some boundaries around how you want to be and don\u2019t want to be, both in relationships and more generally in life, based on your lived experience rather than just desire. Let\u2019s say you find yourself in another relationship. Knowing what you want and don\u2019t want in terms of your own behaviours and relationship dynamics is so valuable for not drifting into old patterns with a new partner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And, secondly, it reminds you of why it\u2019s important to move on. When the going gets tough in divorce, as it can do, or when your soon-to-be-ex behaves kindly, or treats the children well, it\u2019s tempting to think, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018It wasn\u2019t so bad. It\u2019ll be easier all round to just go back to how things were.\u2019<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These moments are when you need to ground yourself in your starting point. To remind yourself why it\u2019s so important to leave and make a fresh start. To think about the unhealthy dynamics about your marriage and your own behaviours. Even if you do decide to give things a go again, remembering what got you to the point of divorce will help you notice when\/if you get back into red flag territory.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"your_end_point\"><\/span><b>Your end point<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sometimes it\u2019s all about the journey, not the destination. With divorce, it\u2019s a lot easier if you focus on both. Both how you make the journey (more on that in a moment) and where you want to end up are important. So let\u2019s think about your destination, or, in other words, your vision.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What do you want your post-divorce future to be like? Having a hopeful, inspiring vision for the future is the pull factor to keep you motivated, just as remembering what you want to leave behind is the push factor.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Think about:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How you want to feel<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What you\u2019ll do for fun<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What your home will be like<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don\u2019t hold yourself back. Equally, don\u2019t self-sabotage by pretending you want something you don\u2019t. I\u2019ve had cynical clients laugh off visioning exercises by saying something like, \u2018Well in an ideal world I\u2019d be living in Bali full time, but that\u2019s not going to happen, is it?\u2019. I have lots of responses to resistance like this!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Firstly, never say never. If it\u2019s truly what you want, then it might be a longer-term plan, but there\u2019s absolutely no reason why you can\u2019t work towards it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Secondly, is it <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">really<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> what you want or is it just a flippant response? Quite often people say they\u2019d love to be on holiday somewhere tropical full-time, when, in reality, they know that being around friends or family, doing work that\u2019s important to them, or being part of a longer-term community are things that bring them fulfilment and they wouldn\u2019t really want to give up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And, thirdly, it\u2019s possible to use these \u2018blue sky\u2019 visions to understand more about what they want. If \u2018living full time in Bali\u2019 has at least a pinch of truth to it, what is it you love about that lifestyle? Would you like your post-divorce life to have more sunshine in it? Would you like to travel more? Or is it the thought of a less stressful lifestyle? Dig into what\u2019s really going on. And base your vision on that.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are lots of techniques to help you with visioning. Three of my favourites are:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Journaling: sit down with a notebook, write the question \u2018what do I want my life to be like?\u2019 at the top, and see where your pen takes you. You might well surprise yourself with what comes out.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Vision boards: use words and images from magazines, or print outs from Pinterest, plus colour and doodles to create a vivid collage of what you want your life to be like. Then stick it somewhere you\u2019ll see it every day.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Conversation: choose your conversation partner wisely! A coach is great for this, or choose a friend who\u2019s a good listener, and will encourage you to open up without making it about them. And start talking about what you want from your life. A good conversation partner will help you pull at threads of ideas, and get more clarity on what\u2019s important.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"how_you_get_there\"><\/span><b>How you get there<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Remember this blog is all about mindset rather than practicalities. Having a divorce plan in tandem with understanding your emotional journey is crucial. A divorce strategist, like me, can help you on all fronts: getting your mindset in order, getting your plan sorted and managing the legal, practical and emotional curveballs along the way.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s focus on mindset for now. Any journey, whether literal or metaphorical, will be beset by issues and opportunities. Roadworks might mean a 45 minute delay. A beauty spot might offer an opportunity for a relaxing pitstop. What\u2019s important is how you deal with whatever\u2019s thrown at you. And that\u2019s where values come in.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your values are beacons for how you want to live your life. They aren\u2019t goals. They guide you in the way you want to live. So they are vital to understand for your divorce journey. Let\u2019s look at\u00a0 an example. Anna and Gemma have both recently decided to divorce their respective spouses. So their end goals are the same: to get divorced and feel in charge of their lives.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They both reflect on what\u2019s important to them. Anna is 26, has no children, and works full time. Gemma is 47, has two children and works part time, while her husband is the main breadwinner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Anna realises that a main driving value in her divorce (and life) is freedom. She has felt stifled by marrying early, and is desperate to spread her wings. Gemma wants a comfortable home for her children to finish growing up. She\u2019d like some steadiness in her life after a rocky marriage. She\u2019s driven more by security.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Knowing their respective guiding values will help Anna and Gemma navigate their divorce journey. For example, Anna may choose to be as flexible as possible in the financial settlement, knowing that if she missed out on a couple of thousand pounds she could have negotiated for, it\u2019s worth it for getting the divorce done. While Gemma might make compromises but be determined to keep the family home.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your values help you pick your battles &#8211; and not just when it comes to negotiating over children and finances. Your values teach you what to let go of in life as well. For example, if Anna\u2019s focussed on freedom, she\u2019ll not let the concerns of Great Aunty Betty thinking she\u2019s going off the rails get to her &#8211; they are Betty\u2019s concerns, not Anna\u2019s.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are multiple ways to understand your values, and as a divorce coach and strategist, it\u2019s one of the first things I focus on with my clients. I\u2019ve given a simple example with Anna and Gemma. In reality, a number of values will be at play all at once, and you will shift your priorities and focus in line with your circumstances. It\u2019s absolutely vital and complex work. If you\u2019d like to explore your values for yourself, there are a number of <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.truupsychology.com\/values\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">free sort card exercises online<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"your_unique_divorce_journey_%e2%80%93_your_way\"><\/span><b>Your unique divorce journey &#8211; your way<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your divorce journey is a very personal one, and it\u2019s so important to take ownership of it. \u2018Going with the flow\u2019 might sound like a sensible approach, but it means you lose control of where you end up. It\u2019s true that you\u2019ll need to be flexible and compromise. But knowing what you\u2019re moving away from (your starting point), where you\u2019d like to end up (your vision) and how you\u2019d like to get there (your values) will mean you\u2019re ten times more likely to divorce on your own terms.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s hard to do this on your own. You get caught up in your own head. When you work with me, we can sort through it together, whether it\u2019s with the dedicated focus of a <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/one-to-one-coaching\/clarity-day\/\">Clarity Day<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>,<\/strong> or regular <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/one-to-one-coaching\/clarity-over-coffee\/\">Clarity Over Coffee<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> calls.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Book in your <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\">free 15 minute consultation<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> today!<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" data-abc=\"true\"><b>Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released \u2018Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u2019. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u00a0<strong><a class=\"ProsemirrorEditor-link\" href=\"https:\/\/emmaheptonstall.com\/yes\">click here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\">Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/gb\/podcast\/the-six-minute-divorce-podcast-with-emma-heptonstall\/id1547792197\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In this blog we\u2019ll focus on the mindset and emotional side of divorce, but it\u2019s important to stay on top of the practical side of things too. Take a look at this blog on preparing your personal divorce journey to help with that.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19507,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,1,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19506","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-thinking-about-a-divorce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/5th-September-2024-Three-Practical-Exercises-to-Map-Your-Personal-Divorce-Journey-min.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-54C","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19506","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19506"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19506\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19507"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19506"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19506"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19506"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}