{"id":19529,"date":"2024-11-07T06:30:20","date_gmt":"2024-11-07T06:30:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=19529"},"modified":"2024-10-31T08:15:17","modified_gmt":"2024-10-31T08:15:17","slug":"divorcing-an-alcoholic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/divorcing-an-alcoholic\/","title":{"rendered":"What To Do When You\u2019re Divorcing an Alcoholic"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In my decade of supporting women through divorce, I\u2019ve heard all the different reasons for why a marriage is over. And one that crops up time and time again is addiction issues in their spouse, particularly with alcohol. So in this blog I\u2019m going to walk you through the issues to consider and steps to take when you\u2019re divorcing an alcoholic.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am a qualified, highly experienced divorce coach, mediator and former lawyer, but it\u2019s important for my integrity to be clear that I am not an expert in substance abuse. I recommend anyone who is affected by someone else\u2019s drinking also seeks support from <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/al-anonuk.org.uk\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Al Anon<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and a therapist if needed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"how_is_your_spouses_alcoholism_affecting_your_marriage\"><\/span><b>How is your spouse\u2019s alcoholism affecting your marriage?\u00a0<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For my clients who\u2019ve lived with an alcoholic spouse, there has always been a point when they could no longer ignore the truth. Alcohol dependency shows up in different ways, which we\u2019ll look at in a moment, but one cross-cutting effect is that the alcoholic can\u2019t manage life reliably. Not in the long term. Which means their nearest and dearest have to try to cover for them and fill the gaps. This will have an impact on your:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Finances: money spent on drink rather than family, potentially the loss of income due to not being able to maintain work<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mental health: you\u2019ll be familiar with the stress and anxiety of trying to keep everything on an even keel<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Social and emotional health: you may find yourself isolated from others as you try to protect your spouse, and lose trust in people after being let down<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Physical health: your spouse\u2019s alcoholism may cause them to lash out, hurting you and others in your home. The effects of stress can also show up in your body, as headaches, digestive problems and insomnia.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\nThere\u2019s only so long you can continue to live like this before something has to give. And for my clients, it\u2019s when they make the difficult decision to divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"making_the_decision_to_divorce\"><\/span><b>Making the decision to divorce<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Whether or not to leave a spouse with addiction issues is one of the main reasons new clients book a call with me. It\u2019s probably the hardest decision you\u2019ve ever had to make. And, as with all aspects of my work as a divorce coach, the decision is entirely yours. I\u2019m not going to tell you to leave, or stay.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Every situation is different, but women who are weighing up their options are often caught between two positions. On the one hand, they love the person they married. But that is no longer the person they are living with. Alcoholism has had such an impact that their relationship is now completely different, with them more like a carer than a partner. They wish they could support their spouse to get better, and to get back to where they once were.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On the other hand, they recognise that things can\u2019t go on as they are. They are tired of carrying the burden of addiction. And they are starting to recognise that things won\u2019t change, as they are enabling their spouse\u2019s addiction.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What does enabling mean? Quite simply, enabling a drinking problem is doing anything that continues to let the addicted person drink alcohol without consequences. Actions you might have taken in the past, such as calling in sick for them, bringing more income in yourself while they are unable to work due to their addiction or excusing them from family meet-ups because their behaviour is too problematic all fall into the category of enabling.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Enabling can look like love. It can seem as though you are simply meeting their basic needs, as you would for any loved one in difficulty. But, in reality, these behaviours are keeping you both stuck. I highly recommend the book <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.worldofbooks.com\/en-gb\/products\/women-who-love-too-much-book-robin-norwood-9780099474128?sku=GOR001242600&amp;gad_source=1&amp;gclid=Cj0KCQjwveK4BhD4ARIsAKy6pMKSrO7QUozL501mjai-Z-MH6UHu-WQK3oJzQrFX1jdsFewKAozmeKkaAjM8EALw_wcB\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Women Who Love Too Much<\/span><\/i><\/a> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">by Robin Norwood to help you identify harmful patterns of behaviour.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"maintaining_boundaries_through_the_divorce_process\"><\/span><b>Maintaining boundaries through the divorce process<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you have made the decision to divorce, you need to establish some distance &#8211; emotional and physical &#8211; between you and your spouse. For many of the women I\u2019ve worked with, their alcoholic spouse hasn\u2019t accepted the decision, and has refused to co-operate. For others, the spouse has reluctantly understood the decision, but due to the chaos brought about by their alcoholism, they\u2019ve been unable to manage their side of the divorce process.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So how do you keep your divorce moving when your spouse can\u2019t or won\u2019t play their part? A recent client, Melissa, found herself in this situation. Her husband wasn\u2019t happy about her decision to leave, but wasn\u2019t maliciously opposing her. He was, however, doing nothing because his alcoholism meant he wasn\u2019t able to follow through on anything. He wasn\u2019t engaging with the legal process or decision-making with regard to children or money at all. Melissa was at her wits\u2019 end, and feeling guilt that she was \u2018leaving him behind with his alcoholism\u2019 while she was striving to move forward with her life.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When I worked with Melissa I reminded her that it\u2019s absolutely valid to want more for herself and her children than she\u2019d been able to achieve while supporting her alcoholic husband. She had given him several years of her life. I reassured her that she wasn\u2019t a bad person for deciding to focus on her own needs, and her children\u2019s needs now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We worked together to put together a financial plan she was happy with, that she could present to her husband. We also looked at child arrangements, and came up with a solution that meant the children had a home and stability with their mum, but were able to see their dad when he was in a position to do so. In Melissa\u2019s case, she was able to ask his family to support him closely with the divorce so she could maintain necessary distance rather than hand-holding him through the process herself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Every situation will be different, and you\u2019ll need to find a solution that\u2019s workable for you. I\u2019m available to help you talk through the details of your circumstances and make a plan that suits you, if you\u2019d like support.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"looking_after_yourself\"><\/span><b>Looking after yourself<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you\u2019ve been married to an alcoholic, you\u2019re forced to forget your own needs. Emotionally, you are worried about them, and spend your energy supporting them. You might be trying to do financial gymnastics to stay afloat. You certainly don\u2019t have time or the bandwidth to consider how you\u2019re feeling.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Making the decision to divorce and following through on it (or deciding to stay but stop enabling) doesn\u2019t mean things magically get easier. It\u2019s a hard slog going through the process and finding a way to ensure your spouse does what they need to do as well. But the very fact you\u2019ve made the decision opens up space for you in your own life again. Even if it\u2019s a tiny chink of light. Even if it\u2019s considering what you might want to do in the future, rather than having to be absorbed 24\/7 in keeping the show on the road for your spouse.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Next time on the blog I\u2019ll go into more specifics about how to look after yourself when divorcing an alcoholic spouse, but for now I\u2019ll leave you with one message: you have given yourself the gift of your life back. And that is a brave and noble step.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019d like help to navigate the emotional confusion and practical chaos when divorcing an alcoholic, I\u2019m here to support you. Whether it\u2019s a day together spent coming up with your own personal plan, weekly calls to ride the waves as they come or a one off trouble-shooting session, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/one-to-one-coaching\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><\/h2>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" data-abc=\"true\"><b>Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released \u2018Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u2019. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u00a0<strong><a class=\"ProsemirrorEditor-link\" href=\"https:\/\/emmaheptonstall.com\/yes\">click here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\">Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/gb\/podcast\/the-six-minute-divorce-podcast-with-emma-heptonstall\/id1547792197\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" data-abc=\"true\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In my decade of supporting women through divorce, I\u2019ve heard all the different reasons for why a marriage is over. And one that crops up time and time again is addiction issues in their spouse, particularly with alcohol. So in this blog I\u2019m going to walk you through the issues to consider and steps to take when you\u2019re divorcing an alcoholic.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19531,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[12,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19529","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/10\/January-2024-How-To-Live-The-Life-You-Want-Even-During-Divorce.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-54Z","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19529","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19529"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19529\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19531"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19529"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19529"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19529"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}