{"id":19533,"date":"2024-11-21T06:30:42","date_gmt":"2024-11-21T06:30:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=19533"},"modified":"2024-10-31T08:21:49","modified_gmt":"2024-10-31T08:21:49","slug":"top-5-ways-to-look-after-yourself-when-divorcing-an-alcoholic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/top-5-ways-to-look-after-yourself-when-divorcing-an-alcoholic\/","title":{"rendered":"Top 5 Ways To Look After Yourself When Divorcing An Alcoholic"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last time on the blog I shared what to do when divorcing an alcoholic<\/a>. One of the most important things to do in divorce is keeping yourself safe and well, and this is even more important when your soon-to-be-ex is an alcoholic. But what does that actually look like? Here are my top 5 ways to look after yourself when divorcing an alcoholic.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>1. Remember who you are responsible for<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n

One of the most painful feelings my clients report when their soon-to-be-ex is an alcoholic is guilt. They feel guilty for stepping away. And this is totally understandable. Alcoholism is an illness, and it has damaged a person you loved, and maybe still love. But the only person you can ever be responsible for in life is yourself, and any children. There is no way you can \u2018fix\u2019 your spouse. And it\u2019s likely that many of the ways you have tried to support your spouse have actually served to enable their drinking. I don\u2019t say this to shame you, simply as a reminder that it is healthy and necessary to, in the words of poet Mary Oliver, \u2018save the only life you could save\u2019<\/a>.<\/p>\n

<\/span>2. Seek support from people who understand<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n

Divorce is lonely, and divorcing an alcoholic is even lonelier. People will have their opinions and their advice. You aren\u2019t obliged to listen to everyone and graciously accept and act on every piece of advice you receive. Now is the time to define your inner circle. That might include trusted friends. I recommend it includes the members of a local Al Anon<\/a> group. If you find yourself going over and over memories, disturbing thoughts or scenarios in your head, I also recommend working with a therapist who is familiar with supporting people who\u2019ve been the victims of addiction. If you join The Absolute Acedemy<\/a> you\u2019ll find camaraderie, understanding and support from me and the other women in there.<\/p>\n

My experience of supporting women who are divorcing addicts is that they need ongoing support to put themselves and their children above the needs of their partner. It\u2019s all too easy to slip into old patterns. So whatever support you put in place, keep going with it.<\/p>\n

<\/span>3. Take care of the basics<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n

You will most probably have run yourself into the ground trying to care for your alcoholic spouse. Now is the time to care for yourself. Keep it really simple to begin with. Think of yourself as a pet dog. Are you getting enough food and water? Do you have a comfortable place to sleep? Are you able to take a walk or get some exercise everyday?<\/p>\n

Make these basic things non-negotiable, even if you don\u2019t feel like it. Print out a checklist to stick on the fridge that you can tick off each day, if it helps. You won\u2019t notice at first, but restoring these foundations is a solid basis for this new, better phase of your life.<\/p>\n

<\/span>4. Date yourself<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n

Once you have the basics in place, sprinkle some delight into your life. Take yourself on a date, it doesn\u2019t have to be extravagant or big. Take yourself for a coffee in a favourite cafe with a book. Book onto a yoga or pottery class. Go to the cinema with a friend.<\/p>\n

Do the sorts of things you might do in the early days of a relationship, except this time the relationship you are nurturing is with yourself. It is so vital to put yourself back into your life after all the time you\u2019ve squashed your own needs and identity to support your partner in their addiction.<\/p>\n

<\/span>5. Notice your feelings without judging them<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n

Apparently humans experience 34,000 different emotions! And when you\u2019ve been in a relationship with an alcoholic, it can feel as though some of them are turned up to 100, while others have been numbed to the point where you don\u2019t recognise them anymore. Part of coming back to yourself is being able to notice your feelings. But, and this part is vital, to try not to judge yourself for them.<\/p>\n

You might feel relief that your ex\u2019s drinking is not your problem, and that doesn\u2019t make you a bad person. You might feel rage, guilt, fear for the future, sadness about what\u2019s happened. All of these feelings are important, and play a part in you being able to move forward. Notice them with compassion. And, let them pass. Over time, you\u2019ll find that other feelings, such as hope, joy and contentment show up more regularly too.<\/span><\/p>\n

You don\u2019t need me to tell you that divorcing an alcoholic is one of the most stressful things you can do. You might need me to help you through it: to come up with a plan, to understand finances, to handle curveballs, to stay on track. And if you do, I\u2019m happy to help. Book in a <\/span>free 15 minute consultation<\/span><\/a> and we\u2019ll take it from there.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n

Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released \u2018Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u2019. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u00a0click here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Look After Yourself When Divorcing An Alcoholic: One of the most important things to do in divorce is look after yourself, and this is even more important when your soon-to-be-ex is an alcoholic. What things can you do to keep yourself as safe and well as possible when going through the stress of divorcing an alcoholic?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19530,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1841,397,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19533","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-mental-health","category-divorce-self-care","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/10\/January-2024-How-To-Live-The-Life-You-Want-Even-During-Divorce-2.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-553","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19533","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19533"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19533\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19530"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19533"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19533"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19533"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}