{"id":19624,"date":"2025-03-20T06:30:56","date_gmt":"2025-03-20T06:30:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=19624"},"modified":"2025-03-03T12:51:12","modified_gmt":"2025-03-03T12:51:12","slug":"five-ways-darvo-shows-up-in-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/five-ways-darvo-shows-up-in-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"Five ways DARVO shows up in divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last time on the blog I explained what DARVO is, and the effect it can have on you if you\u2019re a victim of this manipulative tactic. You can catch up here<\/a><\/strong>. When I get into conversation with my clients, it becomes clear that so many of them have experienced DARVO. But what does DARVO look like in a divorce setting? Here are five of the most common ways DARVO shows up in divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>1. The divorce is your fault<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

Until 2022 you either had to be separated for at least two years to divorce, or apply on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, adultery or desertion. As you can imagine, this created a lot of emotional heat in divorce proceedings from the outset. The change in law was designed to remove \u2018fault\u2019 from the agenda.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But if you\u2019re dealing with a narcissist, or abusive spouse, they will not accept any scenario in which they aren\u2019t the victim. Of course the divorce is your fault, because you were too much (too demanding, too needy, too sociable, too introverted) or not enough (not loving enough, not committed enough, not listening enough\u2026 the list goes on).<\/span><\/p>\n

The truth is, it\u2019s very rare that someone is completely blameless when it comes to divorce. People behave badly, communication breaks down, one party or the other avoids the issue, and the marriage becomes unhealthy. Playing the blame game is a waste of energy and I recommend avoiding it at all costs. But your soon-to-be-ex will want to keep pinning blame on you. Because they know it\u2019s draining, and they know it will put the brakes on divorce. And what they really want is to keep you within their control.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>2. Their bad behaviour is your fault<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

This one\u2019s a variation of \u2018the divorce is your fault\u2019.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Picture this scenario. It\u2019s evening, and you\u2019re all together eating, with your children. Your 13 year old makes a snarky comment (about life, your hair, whatever – they\u2019re 13) and your soon-to-be-ex blows up at them. You call your soon-to-be-ex out for overreacting, and they come back with:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018If you supported me in parenting ever, I wouldn\u2019t have to shout, would I?\u2019\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

or<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018You wind me up, that\u2019s why I lose my temper<\/span><\/i>\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

Or some variation of that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe they\u2019re controlling over money, or maybe they absolve themselves from financial responsibilities altogether. And as soon as you try and broach the subject, they come back with:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018Well if you were any good at money I wouldn\u2019t have to do it all, would I?\u2019\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Or the opposite scenario<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019ve never let me do any of the family finances, you\u2019re so controlling.\u2019<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

You see the pattern – you try to raise an issue to work on, they refuse to take responsibility for any wrongdoing, and it\u2019s all your fault.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>3. Gaslighting<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

Gaslighting is a well worn term these days, the word gets thrown around in relation to all sorts of behaviours – some of which aren\u2019t actually gaslighting, they are simply disagreement. But, deployers of DARVO are masters of this technique. They find ways to have you questioning your reality and your sanity.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If your soon-to-be-ex continually tells you \u2018I didn\u2019t say that\u2019 or \u2018you\u2019re overreacting\u2019 or variations on that theme, this is a major red flag.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>4. Parental alienation<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

Perhaps the most heartbreaking of all techniques, deployers of DARVO can manipulate your children into believing you\u2019re the villain of their lives. You\u2019re the one who \u2018broke up the family\u2019, you\u2019re the one who doesn\u2019t care for them, you\u2019re the one who can\u2019t be trusted.<\/span><\/p>\n

Children should never be used as pawns in power games – not by you, not by your spouse. Of course, you can\u2019t control what your spouse does. But please don\u2019t be tempted to fight fire with fire. Calmly stating facts is fine: \u2018Yes, I did call at the weekend. I\u2019m sorry your dad wouldn\u2019t let me speak to you, but I promise I was there\u2019. But not going on the attack about your soon-to-be-ex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My number one tip for parental alienation is to stay strong, keep showing up for your child and play the long game. It is such a tough position to be in, I know. But, keep showing your children you love them, through consistently doing the right thing, and you will get there.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>5. Use of the legal system<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

DARVO-deployers want to keep you scared and exhausted. And one of the best ways to do that, particularly if the financial power lies with them, is through the legal system.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On the blog last time, I shared how Linda\u2019s soon-to-be-ex threatened her with legal action when she rightly called him out for trying to hack her emails. That\u2019s just one example. Your spouse might file false claims against you, delay the completion of paperwork to keep your divorce in stasis, or use their legal team to make intimidating demands.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This can be a petrifying situation to be in, and it\u2019s natural if you revert to a flight\/flight\/freeze\/fawn response. But this is your signal to breathe, take a step back, and move to a different state.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There are smart ways to respond to all these five techniques, and as the UK\u2019s only trained High Conflict Diversion Specialist, I can help you cut through all the noise, and the gameplaying, and keep your end goal – your freedom – in sight.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Book in for your <\/span>free call here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n

Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released \u2018Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u2019. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u00a0click here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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