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Why is it that some people\u2019s divorce\u2019s are relatively smooth and amicable, and some are full of drama and conflict? Welcome to the drama triangle. The good news is, there are things you can do to de-escalate the drama in your divorce, but it starts with knowing you\u2019re part of it. In this blog I share what the drama triangle can look like in divorce, and how to recognise where it\u2019s showing up for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman came up with the model of the drama triangle in the 1960s, as a way of demonstrating destructive interaction patterns. Three roles make up the drama triangle:<\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s key to understand that these roles can shift between people. While it might seem that in a divorce one of you is a victim and the other is a persecutor, the reality is that we all shift between states. <\/span><\/p>\n The drama triangle is a model that deals with our state of mind more than the external situation – so, for example, you could be a victim of domestic abuse, without occupying the victim role in the drama triangle. I\u2019ll share more on this another time, but consider this brief example:<\/span><\/p>\n Angela\u2019s husband uses his temper to control her and her children. He\u2019s not physically aggressive, but the rest of the family find themselves tip-toeing on eggshells around him.\u00a0 Angela, at first, feels completely powerless and at a loss about how to change the situation. This is the victim mentality in the drama triangle. Things continue as they are, and Angela feels trapped.<\/span><\/p>\n Angela speaks to a friend who puts her in touch with a domestic abuse charity, and gives her a copy of <\/span>How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/i><\/a>. <\/span><\/i>Angela starts to consider what choices she does have in this situation. She has telephone counselling which gives her the confidence to talk to her husband about his behaviour. He responds badly, and, rather than revert back to the usual pattern, Angela starts to work with me on making a personalised, realistic future plan for her and her children.<\/span><\/p>\n In this example, the external situation hasn\u2019t changed – her husband continues to be controlling and verbally aggressive. But Angela has moved out of the victim role in the drama triangle. Which is the start of things changing in the external world.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s more helpful to think of Victim\/Persecutor\/Rescuer as \u2018mindsets\u2019 rather than roles that we are stuck in, and we can enter and exit all of them.<\/span><\/p>\n Let\u2019s take a closer look at how each of these states can show up.<\/span><\/p>\n The main feature of the Victim<\/span> is that life happens TO them. They feel they have no control over their situation, and feel they don\u2019t have what it takes to make the changes needed. This is not only disempowering for them, it can also lead to resentment and blaming when they feel as though others aren\u2019t doing enough to fix things.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The Persecutor wants the world to be as they think it should. They lack the flexibility to see other people\u2019s perspectives and so try to control the people around them. It\u2019s important to mention here, not all people in a persecutor role are evil villains! We can all become persecutors when we rigidly hold on to our values and criticise others when they fall short of them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The Rescuer wants to fix things. They need to feel needed, and while they might tell themselves that they are empowering the Victim when they support them, what they often end up doing is enabling the Victim to stay stuck in their Victim mindset. The Rescuer also likes to give, and be helpful, so can also reinforce the Persecutor mindset by complying with their behaviours.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n These roles often show up in marriage, and in divorce, particularly in partnerships where one or other of the pair has high conflict personality traits. Overwhelmingly, (though not 100% of the time) high conflict personality types occupy the Persecutor role. And their spouse responds as a Rescuer, trying to help, and make their partner feel better, or as a Victim, getting lost in a feeling of powerlessness. They can also switch between the two, trying different strategies to keep their marriage on an even keel.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Equally, the high conflict person may see themselves as a Victim. Any attempt to set boundaries will trigger them into perceiving themselves as the Victim of others. They will then guilt-trip to try and get their own way.<\/span><\/p>\n Let\u2019s look at another example:<\/span><\/p>\n Rob has always been a \u2018tricky\u2019 husband. He can be the life and soul of the party, but can\u2019t hold down a job, and spends much of his time at home in front of the TV. Donna loves to see him as his most lively, extrovert self, so does all she can to keep things going at home: working full time, keeping on top of the housework, bringing Rob snacks to try and get him in a better mood.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Here, Donna is in Rescuer mode, and Rob is in Victim mode. He has no impetus to change, and Donna feels she is needed, and is doing a good job as a wife to keep things going.<\/span><\/p>\n However, this isn\u2019t sustainable. Donna starts to resent her life, and blames Rob, moving into a Victim mindset. Rob is furious that Donna is \u2018having a go at him\u2019 and starts to go out more on his own, and putting her down when they are out together. He becomes the Persecutor.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Whichever roles they are playing, they are trapped in a drama triangle, neither feeling happy or fulfilled in themselves or their marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Next time on the blog I\u2019ll share how you can move away from the triangle, but the very first step is to recognise where it\u2019s showing up for you. Think about you first, and also from the point of view of your partner:<\/span><\/p>\n The drama triangle can be complex, and subtle. It also keeps us stuck in old patterns. As a trauma-responsive coach and certified high conflict diversion specialist, I can help you delve into your own patterns and stories, and break free. Whether this results in divorce or getting your marriage to a healthy state, it certainly results in you taking control of your own life and happiness, which is always the goal!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Just book in your <\/span>free 15 minute consultation<\/span><\/a> to see how I can support you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released \u2018Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u2019. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u00a0click here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Why is it that some people\u2019s divorce\u2019s are relatively smooth and amicable, and some are full of drama and conflict? Welcome to the drama triangle. The good news is, there are things you can do to de-escalate the drama in your divorce, but it starts with knowing you\u2019re part of it. In this blog I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19685,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" Why is it that some people\u2019s divorce\u2019s are relatively smooth and amicable, and some are full of drama and conflict? Welcome to the drama triangle. The good news is, there are things you can do to de-escalate the drama in your divorce, but it starts with knowing you\u2019re part of it. In this blog I share what the drama triangle can look like in divorce, and how to recognise where it\u2019s showing up for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman came up with the model of the drama triangle in the 1960s, as a way of demonstrating destructive interaction patterns. Three roles make up the drama triangle:<\/span><\/p> It\u2019s key to understand that these roles can shift between people. While it might seem that in a divorce one of you is a victim and the other is a persecutor, the reality is that we all shift between states. The drama triangle is a model that deals with our state of mind more than the external situation - so, for example, you could be a victim of domestic abuse, without occupying the victim role in the drama triangle. I\u2019ll share more on this another time, but consider this brief example:<\/span><\/p><\/span>What is the drama triangle?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/span>How do each of these mindsets show up?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What can the drama triangle look like in divorce?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>If you\u2019re in a drama triangle, what can you do about it?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
What is the drama triangle?<\/b><\/h2>