{"id":4317,"date":"2018-12-03T07:30:43","date_gmt":"2018-12-03T07:30:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=4317"},"modified":"2025-12-09T08:21:16","modified_gmt":"2025-12-09T08:21:16","slug":"co-dependency-and-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/co-dependency-and-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"Co-dependency and divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_code _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none\" src=\"\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/17854745\/height\/90\/theme\/custom\/thumbnail\/yes\/direction\/backward\/render-playlist\/no\/custom-color\/c5b2b1\/\" height=\"90\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\"  allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen><\/iframe>[\/et_pb_code][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221; header_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; header_2_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_2_text_color=&#8221;#c984a4&#8243; header_3_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_3_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; text_orientation=&#8221;justified&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<\/p>\n<h1>Co-dependency and divorce<\/h1>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"do_you_want_out_of_a_co-dependent_marriage\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Do you want out of a co-dependent marriage?<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Divorce is always a huge life event, with the potential to de-rail even the most stable and serene of us. That potential is even greater when it comes to divorcing a high conflict personality. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s particularly hard to take care of yourself in a high conflict situation because you may have spent years living with behaviours that have lowered your boundaries and self esteem. Finding yourself in a co-dependent marriage is one example. In this blog we look at what it means for you and your divorce, and what you can do about it. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"what_is_co-dependency\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">What is co-dependency?<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Co-dependency is a term that has come into fashion in recent years. Used for anything from couples who can\u2019t seem to be apart from one another, to dysfunctional relationships in which one partner\u2019s needs over-ride the other. This is sometimes because of addiction.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>A psychological definition of co-dependency is: <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\"><i>\u2018a specific relationship addiction characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence\u2014emotional, social and sometimes physical\u2014on another person\u2019<\/i>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In other words, co-dependency involves one partner spending a lot of energy meeting the other partner\u2019s needs to the detriment of their own. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"are_you_co-dependent\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Are you co-dependent?<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">But what does this look like in real life? Often, people with co-dependency issues will:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li1\"><span class=\"s1\">Have low\u00a0self-esteem<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Find it hard to say no<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Have poor\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/positivepsychologyprogram.com\/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">boundaries<\/a><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Feel the need to fix or take care of people<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Find it hard to communicate honestly (because you don\u2019t want to upset people or aren\u2019t fully aware of what you really want or need)<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Focus on mistakes<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Need to be liked by everyone<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Deny or suppress their needs, thoughts, and feelings<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Confuse love and pity<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Have a fear of abandonment, including holding onto bad relationships<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"why_does_co-dependency_matter\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Why does co-dependency matter? <\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s clear from the list above that being co-dependent isn\u2019t much fun, nor the healthiest way to live your life. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Often, someone with co-dependency issues will base their self-esteem on the opinions of those they are desperately trying to care for \u2013 which is a particularly toxic mix if the other person happens to be a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-divorce-a-narcissist-or-other-high-conflict-personality\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">narcissist<\/a>. Unchecked, co-dependency can result in you feeling completely reliant on the praise of others for your own self-esteem, and with little sense of your own worth or value outside of your care-taking role. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">To live a fulfilling life, take action on your divorce and avoid entering future dysfunctional relationship cycles. Realise when you are showing co-dependent behaviour and take steps to change your patterns. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"breaking_the_cycle_of_co-dependency\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Breaking the cycle of co-dependency<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Tackling co-dependency issues is critical to approaching and navigating divorce, especially when divorcing a narcissist or other high conflict personality. Here are some steps you can take to move away from co-dependent behaviour:<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"get_support\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Get support<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Sometimes we need a mirror holding up to us so we can see what\u2019s going on. If you suspect you have co-dependent tendencies, seek help. Talk to a trusted friend, or even better, contact a therapist or coach to talk through your situation, your behaviour patterns and your feelings. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"be_aware\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Be aware<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">The first step to change is awareness \u2013 recognising when you are showing these behaviours, and how they are making you feel. Don\u2019t beat yourself up if you can\u2019t change everything at once. Notice what you are doing, your motivations and how it makes you feel. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"practice_saying_no\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Practice saying no<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Co-dependents often find it hard to say no for two reasons: they don\u2019t want to displease others, and they have lost sense of their own needs and priorities. If this sounds like you, start saying no. You don\u2019t have to start big, or with your high conflict soon-to-be-ex-husband. Simply taking the time to say \u2018I\u2019ll get back to you\u2019 when someone asks you for a favour is a start. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If this co-dependency conversation is ringing bells for you, rest assured support is on the way! I am developing resources and programmes for women in high conflict relationships so you can navigate divorce as smoothly as possible. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Contact me to be first to hear about it. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong><span style=\"color: #c5b2b1;\"><a style=\"color: #c5b2b1;\" href=\"https:\/\/emmaheptonstall.activehosted.com\/f\/18\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">contact Emma<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"the_divorce_alchemist\"><\/span>The Divorce Alchemist<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a practising family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Co-dependency and divorceDo you want out of a co-dependent marriage?Divorce is always a huge life event, with the potential to de-rail even the most stable and serene of us. That potential is even greater when it comes to divorcing a high conflict personality. It\u2019s particularly hard to take care of yourself in a high conflict [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4318,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<h1>Co-dependency and divorce<\/h1><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do you want out of a co-dependent marriage?<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Divorce is always a huge life event, with the potential to de-rail even the most stable and serene of us. That potential is even greater when it comes to divorcing a high conflict personality. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s particularly hard to take care of yourself in a high conflict situation because you may have spent years living with behaviours that have lowered your boundaries and self esteem. Finding yourself in a co-dependent marriage is one example. In this blog we look at what it means for you and your divorce, and what you can do about it. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What is co-dependency?<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Co-dependency is a term that has come into fashion in recent years. Used for anything from couples who can\u2019t seem to be apart from one another, to dysfunctional relationships in which one partner\u2019s needs over-ride the other. This is sometimes because of addiction.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>A psychological definition of co-dependency is: <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\"><i>\u2018a specific relationship addiction characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence\u2014emotional, social and sometimes physical\u2014on another person\u2019<\/i>. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In other words, co-dependency involves one partner spending a lot of energy meeting the other partner\u2019s needs to the detriment of their own. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Are you co-dependent?<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">But what does this look like in real life? Often, people with co-dependency issues will:<\/span><\/p><ul class=\"ul1\"><li class=\"li1\"><span class=\"s1\">Have low\u00a0self-esteem<\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Find it hard to say no<\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Have poor\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/positivepsychologyprogram.com\/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries\/\">boundaries<\/a><\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Feel the need to fix or take care of people<\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Find it hard to communicate honestly (because you don\u2019t want to upset people or aren\u2019t fully aware of what you really want or need)<\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Focus on mistakes<\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Need to be liked by everyone<\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Deny or suppress their needs, thoughts, and feelings<\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Confuse love and pity<\/span><\/li><li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s1\">Have a fear of abandonment, including holding onto bad relationships<\/span><\/li><\/ul><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Why does co-dependency matter? <\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s clear from the list above that being co-dependent isn\u2019t much fun, nor the healthiest way to live your life. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Often, someone with co-dependency issues will base their self-esteem on the opinions of those they are desperately trying to care for \u2013 which is a particularly toxic mix if the other person happens to be a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-divorce-a-narcissist-or-other-high-conflict-personality\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">narcissist<\/a>. Unchecked, co-dependency can result in you feeling completely reliant on the praise of others for your own self-esteem, and with little sense of your own worth or value outside of your care-taking role. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">To live a fulfilling life, take action on your divorce and avoid entering future dysfunctional relationship cycles. Realise when you are showing co-dependent behaviour and take steps to change your patterns. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Breaking the cycle of co-dependency<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Tackling co-dependency issues is critical to approaching and navigating divorce, especially when divorcing a narcissist or other high conflict personality. Here are some steps you can take to move away from co-dependent behaviour:<\/span><\/p><h3 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Get support<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Sometimes we need a mirror holding up to us so we can see what\u2019s going on. If you suspect you have co-dependent tendencies, seek help. Talk to a trusted friend, or even better, contact a therapist or coach to talk through your situation, your behaviour patterns and your feelings. <\/span><\/p><h3 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Be aware<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">The first step to change is awareness \u2013 recognising when you are showing these behaviours, and how they are making you feel. Don\u2019t beat yourself up if you can\u2019t change everything at once. Notice what you are doing, your motivations and how it makes you feel. <\/span><\/p><h3 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Practice saying no<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Co-dependents often find it hard to say no for two reasons: they don\u2019t want to displease others, and they have lost sense of their own needs and priorities. If this sounds like you, start saying no. You don\u2019t have to start big, or with your high conflict soon-to-be-ex-husband. Simply taking the time to say \u2018I\u2019ll get back to you\u2019 when someone asks you for a favour is a start. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If this co-dependency conversation is ringing bells for you, rest assured support is on the way! I am developing resources and programmes for women in high conflict relationships so you can navigate divorce as smoothly as possible. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Contact me to be first to hear about it. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">[contact Emma]<\/span><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[582,397,1,301],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4317","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-divorce-self-care","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-podcast"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/EH_BlogImage-18.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-17D","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4317","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4317"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4317\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4318"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4317"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4317"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4317"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}