{"id":4464,"date":"2019-04-08T06:35:35","date_gmt":"2019-04-08T05:35:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=4464"},"modified":"2019-04-07T12:59:23","modified_gmt":"2019-04-07T11:59:23","slug":"divorce-put-yourself-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/divorce-put-yourself-first\/","title":{"rendered":"Divorce: Put Yourself First"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Divorce: Put Yourself First<\/h1>\n

\u00a0 Do you know what the main obstacle to divorce is for many women who are thinking about leaving? \u00a0 It\u2019s not about how they\u2019ll cope. \u00a0 And it\u2019s not about money. \u00a0 It\u2019s about shame<\/em>.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Bren\u00e9 Brown and Shame<\/span><\/h2>\n

Shame is such a huge issue in divorce, even now in 2019.<\/p>\n

Are you familiar with the work of Bren\u00e9 Brown<\/a>? Bren\u00e9 shares her thoughts on the power of vulnerability and shame. In the Ted Talk shared here, she talks about how, in her research on ‘connection’ she uncovered shame – the feeling of not being good enough. The feeling of being unworthy of connection if we feel there is something fundamentally ‘bad’ about us.<\/p>\n

Divorce often brings up this feeling of shame. \u00a0<\/p>\n

Women feel guilty that their marriage hasn\u2019t worked out. They feel as though maybe they should stick with it. There’s a feeling of loss that something they committed to isn\u2019t working. They ask themselves questions like: \u00a0 \u2018Where did I go wrong?\u2019, or \u00a0 \u2018How can we have messed this up so badly?\u2019 \u00a0 Here\u2019s the thing. Some marriages just don\u2019t work out. For any number of reasons. \u00a0 And when that happens, you need to focus on you. And I don\u2019t mean on emotionally beating yourself up. I mean you need to look after yourself. \u00a0 When a marriage has gone bad, and you\u2019ve thought about your options, you\u2019ve thought about what you can change, you\u2019ve given it some time, and your head and heart are screaming \u2018leave!\u2019 then you need to trust yourself. \u00a0 When you\u2019ve got to that point, divorce is the right thing to do. For you, for your soon-to-be-ex-husband, for any children. Believe me, I\u2019ve worked with hundreds of women over my fourteen years in law, mediation and divorce coaching. You are doing the right thing.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Ditch the shame and put yourself first<\/span><\/h2>\n

The trouble with guilt and shame is that it doesn\u2019t help. It keeps us feeling wretched, and no-one benefits from that. \u00a0 If you\u2019re still feeling any guilt, look at it this way. The most selfless<\/em> thing you can do right now, is put yourself first. \u00a0 If you\u2019re a parent, or if you have other caring responsibilities, that might be a hard thing to hear. But it\u2019s true. \u00a0 Your children will benefit the most from you looking after yourself. If you\u2019ve been on a flight ever, you\u2019ll know the advice to put your own oxygen mask on first. And the same applies when you\u2019re in a stressful life situation like divorce. If you don\u2019t pay attention to yourself and your own self-care, you\u2019re not going to be able to look after anyone else either.<\/p>\n

<\/span>How can you put yourself first?<\/span><\/h2>\n

I know what you\u2019re thinking. You\u2019ve not got time for this. There\u2019s too much to do with running a household, taking care of other people\u2019s needs AND managing the divorce process. \u00a0 Putting yourself first doesn\u2019t have to be complicated or time consuming. Here are some simple tips for bringing self-care into everyday life.<\/p>\n