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The number one trigger point when talking with your soon-to-ex-husband, in my experience, is children. Yes, even more than money \u2013 though of course the two issues are often bound together. In <\/span>How to have conversations about the children when you divorce, <\/span><\/em>we look at strategies for making this easier<\/span>.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n Conversations about your children are hard. Yet they are absolutely critical to ensure you and your soon-to-be-ex-husband put your children first as you divorce. <\/span><\/p>\n Here\u2019s how to create conversations that are as productive as possible. <\/span><\/p>\n Having a conversation about arrangements when emotions are high is a recipe for disaster! Aim to find a time when you can both be cool-headed. Plan to talk solely about the children, without money, past rights or wrongs or any other issues creeping in.<\/span><\/p>\n Put some groundwork in to help your conversation move things forward, rather than get dragged into point-scoring or other emotive issues. Your aim should be to create a plan that works for your children first and foremost.<\/span><\/p>\n Agree on a neutral venue, such as a caf\u00e9. Ahead of your meeting, agree some ground rules with each other and be clear about them. You could use these as a starting point:<\/span><\/p>\n Before you meet, think about what\u2019s important to you and how you can share that. Know what you want to get across and think about how you can say it clearly. <\/span><\/p>\n When you meet, see if you can find common ground or points you can agree on. Ask your soon-to-be-ex-husband to share their perspective in their own words, don\u2019t assume you know what they want or think.<\/span><\/p>\n Remember that your discussion is about your children\u2019s best interests \u2013 you may need to be flexible and compromise on your ideal position. Keep dialogue open rather than shut conversations down if they don\u2019t go as you expect. Check back to your ground rules and remind yourselves of these if needed. <\/span><\/p>\n If your discussions get you nowhere, it\u2019s time to call in support. A trained mediator can make all the difference in helping you and the father of your children to understand each other and find a way forward. A mediator will help you hear each other\u2019s point of view and state your own position without discussions getting overheated. <\/span><\/p>\n If mediation doesn\u2019t work, you will need to apply to the court for a Child Arrangements Order. The courts see these as a last resort, and prefer parents to come to agreements themselves. However, if you have exhausted all other options, a court will decide what\u2019s in the best interests of your child(ren). A Child Arrangements Order will set out living, care and holiday arrangements and you will be legally obliged to abide by them. <\/span><\/p>\n If your soon-to-be-ex-husband is narcissistic or shows other signs of having a high conflict personality, don\u2019t open yourself up to manipulation or abuse. The same guidelines don\u2019t<\/i> apply \u2013 you don\u2019t want to keep dialogue open and flexible. <\/span><\/p>\n Instead, follow the BIFF guidelines for communication \u2013 keep things:<\/span><\/p>\n Brief: don\u2019t get dragged into wider conversation<\/span><\/p>\n Informative: stick to the facts<\/span><\/p>\n Friendly: don\u2019t add heat to the situation<\/span><\/p>\n Firm: maintain clear boundaries.<\/span><\/p>\n You can read more about communication with a high conflict person\u00a0 here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n So often, technology gets in the way of our honest and open conversations. When we talk on the phone we can’t see the other person – something is always lost in translation. When we rely on messaging there is no sound and again, we can misinterpret and make incorrect assumptions.<\/p>\n In high conflict situations, tech can sometimes we manipulated to further abuse another. But increasingly, apps are being developed to support families in relationship breakdown. Our Family Wizard <\/a>is one such app. OFW started off as an American programme, and in recent months it’s UK staff have been working hard to make it more UK ‘friendly’. It does work however (and yes, it still needs some tweaks). My clients are feeding back so that it becomes even easier for us to use here.\u00a0<\/p>\n So what does OFW do, and how does it work? Well, it’s both a smart phone and desk top App that allows you to run all your communication both text and email through it. So no direct messaging. This allows you to change your phone number if you want to – your children’s father can communicate with you through the app without a phone number for you.<\/p>\n Content\u00a0cannot<\/em> be removed or manipulated. Everything is time and date stamped including uploading, opening and reading. You can share files such as school reports and medicals. You can request swaps for time with the children. There’s the ability to upload child related expenses.\u00a0<\/p>\n Consider it if you’d like the distance between you and the father of your children.\u00a0<\/p>\n Do you need help ensuring the best future for your children as you divorce? <\/span><\/p>\n Book in a call<\/a><\/span> and I can help you work through it all.<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a practising family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The number one trigger point when talking with your ex, in my experience, is children. Yes, even more than money \u2013 though of course the two issues are often bound together.<\/span><\/p> Conversations about your children are hard. Yet they are absolutely critical to ensure you and your ex put your children first as you divorce. <\/span><\/p> Here\u2019s how to create conversations that are as productive as possible. <\/span><\/p> Don\u2019t try to have a conversation about arrangements when emotions are high. Aim to find a time when you can both be cool-headed. Plan to talk solely about the children, without money, past rights or wrongs or any other issues creeping in.<\/span><\/p> Put some groundwork in to help your conversation move things forward, rather than get dragged into point-scoring or other emotive issues with your ex. <\/span><\/p> Agree on a neutral venue, such as a caf\u00e9. Ahead of your meeting, agree some ground rules with each other and be clear about them. You could use these as a starting point:<\/span><\/p> Before you meet, think about what\u2019s important to you and how you can share that. Know what you want to get across and think about how you can say it clearly. <\/span><\/p> When you meet, see if you can find common ground or points you can agree on. Ask your ex to share their perspective in their own words, don\u2019t assume you know what they want or think.<\/span><\/p> Remember that your discussion is about your children\u2019s best interests \u2013 you may need to be flexible and compromise on your ideal position. Keep dialogue open rather than shut conversations down if they don\u2019t go as you expect. Check back to your ground rules and remind your ex of these if needed. <\/span><\/p> If your discussions get you nowhere, it\u2019s time to call in support. A trained mediator can make all the difference in helping you and your ex to understand each other and find a way forward. A mediator will help you hear each other\u2019s point of view and state your own position without discussions getting overheated. <\/span><\/p> If mediation doesn\u2019t work, you will need to apply to the court for a Child Arrangements Order. The courts see these as a last resort, and prefer parents to come to agreements themselves. However, if you have exhausted all other options, a court will decide what\u2019s in the best interests of your child(ren). A Child Arrangements Order will set out living, care and holiday arrangements and you will be legally obliged to abide by them. <\/span><\/p> If your ex is narcissistic or shows other signs of having a high conflict personality, don\u2019t open yourself up to manipulation or abuse. The same guidelines don\u2019t<\/i> apply \u2013 you don\u2019t want to keep dialogue open and flexible. <\/span><\/p> Instead, follow the BIFF guidelines for communication with your ex \u2013 keep things:<\/span><\/p> Brief: don\u2019t get dragged into wider conversation<\/span><\/p> Informative: stick to the facts<\/span><\/p> Friendly: don\u2019t add heat to the situation<\/span><\/p> Firm: maintain clear boundaries.<\/span><\/p> You can read more about communication with a high conflict ex here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p><\/span>Are you ready to talk?<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Plan to get the most out of discussions<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Keep conversation child-focussed<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Get help when needed<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What if you\u2019re in a high conflict situation? <\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>When using tech is your friend<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>The Divorce Alchemist<\/span><\/h3>\n
How to have conversations about the children when you divorce<\/span><\/h1>
Are you ready to talk?<\/span><\/h2>
Plan to get the most out of discussions<\/span><\/h2>
Keep conversation child-focussed<\/span><\/h2>
Get help when needed<\/span><\/h2>
What if you\u2019re in a high conflict situation? <\/span><\/h2>