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Have you heard of nesting in in relation to divorce?\u00a0 Perhaps not. In Children and divorce – Should you try nesting?<\/em> We look at what nesting is, and how you might choose to use it in your divorce. <\/span><\/p>\n Nesting is a style of co-parenting where when the parents are living separately, \u00a0the children stay in the family home and the parents take it in turns to share the home with the children rather than the children going to spend time in another house. This means that children don\u2019t have a second \u2018home\u2019 bedroom or two sets of clothes.<\/span><\/p>\n The biggest advantage of nesting is that is reduces disruption for the children. They don\u2019t have two houses, two sets of clothes, two beds, different routes to school or confusion as they adapt to knowing which house they are in on a Wednesday night. <\/span><\/p>\n Nesting can smooth everyone\u2019s path into separation and divorce. Yes, there\u2019s some upheaval as mum and dad no longer live together, but home is still home. This can help strengthen the bond between children and parents as everyone navigates the changes divorce brings.<\/span><\/p>\n On a practical level, nesting can also save money. Rather than both parents having to finance properties big enough to house the children, separated parents can share the costs of the marital home and a solo pad.<\/span><\/p>\n Benefits:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Nesting can save money because it means the partner who has left doesn’t need a place suitable for children – that could mean a flat share, bedsit or moving back to parents to save money.<\/span><\/p>\n Stability and certainty for children – no upheavals.<\/span><\/p>\n Nesting can help the bond between the non-resident parent and children. <\/span><\/p>\n Can work if a parent is often away from home de to business trips.<\/span><\/p>\n Nesting isn\u2019t as easy as it sounds.<\/span><\/p>\n When parents decide to separate, one or both move out of the marital home. The children tend to split their time between households. This practical shift can be \u2018cleaner\u2019 for everyone involved. For both parents and children it\u2019s a clear indicator that the marriage is over and it\u2019s time to look ahead to the next phase of life. That may mean it\u2019s easier for children to process their feelings about their parents\u2019 separation.<\/span><\/p>\n The clean break applies to finances too. Usually when you divorce you both do a full financial inventory, financial support and other terms may be agreed, but clear lines are drawn. <\/span><\/p>\n That won\u2019t be the case when nesting. You may still share responsibility for bills, repairs and other house-related decisions, such as if you want to renovate or extend. You are keeping the potential for financial arguments alive and kicking. <\/span><\/p>\n Think about you emotional health too. Nesting means the parent who is no longer in the family home returning frequently. Will your ex use the same bed you use? What happens if they, or you, find a new partner? How will you negotiate issues around privacy when your ex has full run of the house?<\/span><\/p>\n How will you feel if that\u2019s you? Will it support you moving forward?<\/span><\/p>\n If you’re in a high-conflict situation<\/a>, be mindful of how nesting might be used to further control and abuse you.<\/p>\n Nesting isn\u2019t a long term solution for most families but it can work in the short term particularly before arrangements have been agreed for the children or before a financial settlement. <\/span><\/p>\n Have an exit strategy. If the FMH (former matrimonial home) is going to be sold ensure that the children are adequately prepared and they understand that they will have a two new homes in due course. <\/span><\/p>\n Be aware that long term nesting can cause resentment particularly if the non-resident partner\u2019s own living conditions are less than they need.<\/span><\/p>\n Nesting can delay the grieving process in both adults and children. It can lead to confusion for some children who see the non-residents presence in the home as a sign that the separation isn\u2019t permanent. This can be true for adults too so it\u2019s important to examine and keep examining your motivations for nesting. <\/span><\/p>\n Physical separation and new homes allow both children and adults to process the sadness of the end of a relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n It can impact future relationships. Will your new partner want your stbxh sleeping in your bed\/home? Would you want your new partner to sleep at his stbxw home\/bed?<\/span><\/p>\n If you have children of course you\u2019re worried about them as you divorce. Here\u2019s the good news: if you\u2019re in an unhappy marriage your children will be emotionally better off if you separate and divorce. <\/span><\/p>\n The old story of \u2018staying together for the kids\u2019 being the right thing to do is just that \u2013 a myth. Even Elton John agrees. In a recent interview<\/span><\/a> he shares how \u2018<\/span>I got the feeling they were staying together because of me, which just made things more miserable.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n The golden rule is make any decisions about your children with them as the priority<\/i>. Don\u2019t let them become a focus for power struggles or petty point scoring. <\/span><\/p>\n And that\u2019s why some people consider nesting. It\u2019s not for everyone. Is it for you? <\/span><\/p>\n For the majority of parents, nesting is too financially, practically and emotionally confusing to work in the long term. But it can be a helpful short term solution, and can mean that neither of you are forced into major decisions (such as buying a new family home) at speed.\u00a0 If you decide to give it a go, be clear about your expectations. Be clear about how you expect the family home to be used. If you can’t agree, consider whether nesting really is for you.\u00a0 Agree to review your agreement at regular intervals – checking in that it’s still working for you and<\/em> the children.<\/span><\/p>\n If you do decide to try nesting in the short term, make sure you have ground rules, boundaries and an exit plan. Clear communication is absolutely critical. You, your ex and your children all need to understand what\u2019s happening, and, crucially, that it doesn\u2019t mean you will be getting back together. <\/span><\/p>\n You don\u2019t need to navigate all the decisions that come with parenting and divorce alone. I can help you untangle what\u2019s going on in your head, help you develop strategies for talking to your ex and children, and make the practical decisions that set you up for a healthy and happy life after divorce. <\/span><\/p>\n Divorce doesn\u2019t have to feel desperate or miserable. It can be such a positive move for you and your children. Book in a call<\/span><\/a> and let me help you move forward.<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a practising family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Have you heard of nesting in in relation to divorce?\u00a0 Perhaps not. In Children and divorce - Should you try nesting?<\/em> We look at what nesting is, and how you might choose to use it in your divorce. Nesting is a style of co-parenting where when the parents are living separately, \u00a0the children stay in the family home and the parents take it in turns to share the home with the children rather than the children going to spend time in another house. This means that children don\u2019t have a second \u2018home\u2019 bedroom or two sets of clothes.<\/span><\/p> The biggest advantage of nesting is that is reduces disruption for the children. They don\u2019t have two houses, two sets of clothes, two beds, different routes to school or confusion as they adapt to knowing which house they are in on a Wednesday night. <\/span><\/p> Nesting can smooth everyone\u2019s path into separation and divorce. Yes, there\u2019s some upheaval as mum and dad no longer live together, but home is still home. This can help strengthen the bond between children and parents as everyone navigates the changes divorce brings.<\/span><\/p> On a practical level, nesting can also save money. Rather than both parents having to finance properties big enough to house the children, separated parents can share the costs of the marital home and a solo pad.<\/span><\/p> Benefits:<\/span><\/p> Can save money it means the partner who has left doesn't need a place suitable for children - that could mean a flat share, bedsit or moving back to parents to save money.<\/span><\/p> Stability and certainty for children - no upheavals.<\/span><\/p> Can help the bond between the non-resident parent and children. <\/span><\/p> Can work if a parent is often away from home de to business trips.<\/span><\/p> Usually, when parents decide to separate, one or both move out of the marital home. The children tend to split their time between households. This practical shift can be \u2018cleaner\u2019 for everyone involved. For both parents and children it\u2019s a clear indicator that the marriage is over and it\u2019s time to look ahead to the next phase of life. That may mean it\u2019s easier for children to process their feelings about their parents\u2019 separation.<\/span><\/p> The clean break applies to finances too. Usually when you divorce you both do a full financial inventory, financial support and other terms may be agreed, but clear lines are drawn. <\/span><\/p> That won\u2019t be the case when nesting. You\u2019ll still share responsibility for bills, repairs and other house-related decisions, such as if you want to renovate or extend. You are keeping the potential for financial arguments alive and kicking. <\/span><\/p> Think about you emotional health too. Will your ex use the same bed you use? What happens if they, or you, find a new partner? How will you negotiate issues around privacy when your ex has full run of the house?<\/span><\/p> Nesting isn\u2019t as easy as it sounds.<\/span><\/p> It means the parent who is no longer in the family home returning frequently. <\/span><\/p> How will you feel if that\u2019s you? Will it support you moving forward? <\/span><\/p> How will you feel if that\u2019s your stbxh? He might have to sleep in your bed? He gets the run of the house when you\u2019re not there?<\/span><\/p> Nesting isn\u2019t a long term solution for most families but it can work in the short term particularly before arrangements have been agreed for the children or before a financial settlement. <\/span><\/p> Have an exit strategy. If the FMH (former matrimonial home) is going to be sold ensure that the children are adequately prepared and they understand that they will have a two new homes in due course. <\/span><\/p> Be aware that long term nesting can cause resentment particularly if the non-resident partner\u2019s own living conditions are less than they need.<\/span><\/p> Nesting can delay the grieving process in both adults and children. It can lead to confusion for some children who see the non-residents presence in the home as a sign that the separation isn\u2019t permanent. This can be true for adults too so it\u2019s important to examine and keep examining your motivations for nesting. <\/span><\/p> Physical separation and new homes allow both children and adults to process the sadness of the end of a relationship. <\/span><\/p> It can impact future relationships. Will your new partner want your stbxh sleeping in your bed\/home? Would you want your new partner to sleep at his stbxw home\/bed?<\/span><\/p> If you have children of course you\u2019re worried about them as you divorce. Here\u2019s the good news: if you\u2019re in an unhappy marriage your children will be emotionally better off if you separate and divorce. <\/span><\/p><\/span>Nesting: the pros<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>Nesting: the cons<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>A short-term solution for a longer-term issue<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Separated with children? Is nesting for you?<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Children and divorce – Should you try nesting?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Your nesting plan<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>The Divorce Alchemist<\/span><\/h3>\n
Children and divorce - Should you try nesting?<\/span><\/h1>
What is nesting? <\/span><\/h2>
Nesting: the pros<\/span><\/h3>
Nesting: the cons<\/span><\/h3>
A short-term solution for a longer-term issue<\/span><\/h2>
Separated with children? Is nesting for you?<\/span><\/h2>