[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
When you divorce it\u2019s easy to fall into the trap of being the victim. And yes, it\u2019s likely your ex has done some appalling things. But if you are going to move forward, both emotionally and legally, you need to get totally honest. So in Divorce: The Truth That\u2019s Difficult To Hear <\/em>we\u2019re looking at your truth \u2013 including the truth about the part you have to play in your marriage and divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As ever, this blog is NOT designed for women who are experiencing physical abuse. If you need to get out of an unsafe relationship because you and your children are at risk, please seek support at Women\u2019s Aid<\/a>. Remember to use the \u2018cover my tracks button\u2019 before you leave the website.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n You may find this blog triggering. Divorce: The Truth That\u2019s Difficult To Hear\u00a0<\/em>isn’t written to shame or blame you. It asks you to explore your part in your relationship – situations you knew to be unhealthy but you engaged in willingly anyway (I know I\u2019ve done that more than once)<\/em>. If you\u2019re already saying \u2018it\u2019s all him. I\u2019m the victim\u2019 please don\u2019t read further today.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The truth is, you can\u2019t control what other people do but you are responsible for looking after your own mental health and actions, however difficult that is to acknowledge. That doesn\u2019t mean you need to beat yourself up if you\u2019re in a bad place right now. It does mean it\u2019s time to explore your reality and how you can move forward.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Please note I use gendered language in this blog because the vast majority of my clients are women divorcing men, and often the power dynamics play out in line with gender norms and expectations (often men wanting to dominate women, as you\u2019ll read below). If you\u2019re in a same-sex marriage, these issues can also very much apply, and I urge you to read on and see how they relate to your relationship.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n The vast majority of my clients share that they knew before <\/em>they said \u2018I do\u2019\u00a0that they weren\u2019t doing the right thing for them but they did it anyway.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Why? For a variety of reasons: hoping he\u2019d change, not daring to back out and \u2018let people down\u2019, or because someone told them they\u2019d \u2018made their bed so they have to lie in it\u2019. This can happen after the wedding vows too \u2013 it feels too late to call it quits for exactly the same reasons.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Notice that all of these scenarios involve her giving her power away to someone else – her husband, family, friends\u2026 the truth is she let the power she had go to comply with other people\u2019s expectations.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Once that happens, relationships become very challenging.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You feel like you have no say, no influence and that everything happens \u2018to you\u2019. You become the victim in your own marriage. When you feel like you have no power you stay small, play small and stop believing you have any say. You think the way you feel is real and as though it will be that way forever. Everything feels overwhelming and as though you\u2019re backed into a corner.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It is always possible to turn things around. It\u2019s not easy, but it\u2019s possible.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here\u2019s a question to ask yourself before we carry on: When did you stop listening to you? More importantly, why?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Weak men don\u2019t seek out weak women. They seek out strong women and break them (or at least they try). This is how they feel powerful and important. They take your energy for themselves.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Weak men can appear strong. Intelligent. Capable. Successful. That\u2019s how they attracted you, right? They confide in you. They show you their vulnerability. You love it. You buy in. Then they have you. Emotionally, you are sold.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Then things just feel \u2018off\u2019 but you can\u2019t put your finger on why. You tell yourself it’s okay – he\u2019s a good guy really. He\u2019s just \u2018lost\u2019, \u2018confused\u2019, \u2018misunderstood\u2019 and you ignore your gut because you don\u2019t want to engage in the uncomfortable feelings \u2013 they\u2019re too uncomfortable and for now it\u2019s easier to push them back.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n This how most women end up in a high conflict situation. Are you? Read more on the tell-tale signs here.<\/a><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Conflict can be addictive even if our rational mind hates it. Sometimes the only attention we get is negative. When this happens consistently we can get drawn into the power game. Any attention is better than no attention. So as conflict becomes familiar we become addicted to the \u2018high\u2019 we get from it. When your rational mind knows that arguing and shouting get you nowhere, but you just can\u2019t help yourself and respond anyway, it keeps the circle going.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Own that. Own that you are part of the circle, and part of keeping it going. This is not about blame. You are not \u2018bad\u2019 or \u2018wrong\u2019. It is what it is and it\u2019s entirely human that you\u2019ve got here.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you accept 100% responsibility for your part then you have the power to change it. Don\u2019t give him the argument. Your response to his behaviour is in your control – that\u2019s the difficult truth. You can decide to stop engaging in the power play at any time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Starting with the truth also means acknowledging just how flipping amazing you really are. Most of my clients share stories of how they\u2019ve been a single parent in a marriage. They do everything. School runs, homework, taxis service, bedtime routines, discipline.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You might do all the cleaning, gardening, washing and ironing. Even if you have people doing those things for you, you are the one that organises it all, coordinates and deals with issues as they arise.\u00a0You do all the emotional and mental labour for your relationship.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You may also have a career outside of the home and family. But you continually beat yourself up that it\u2019s not enough. Because he says so!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When are you going to acknowledge just how amazing you are?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can start anytime you choose. Why not start now?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you take 100% responsibility for where you are right now you take back your power. You have to acknowledge the present so you can look to the future. Taking 100% responsibility doesn\u2019t mean \u2018letting him off the hook\u2019, \u2018forgiving him\u2019 or ignoring your PTSD or other mental health issues that have resulted from your relationship. It simply means that from now on, you are taking your future into your own hands. You stop looking at him and what he did (or didn\u2019t) do.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You stop thinking about blame because it\u2019s wasted energy. He isn\u2019t responsible for your recovery – you are.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here\u2019s one thing to stop today. Stop telling your divorce story. The more you tell that story the more you reinforce the neural pathways in your brain. It keeps you stuck in \u2018victim\u2019 mode. You can read more about the negative power of your divorce story here<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You need to be telling your brain over and over that you\u2019re a powerful woman! Powerful women get stuff done – including your divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So tell the truth, starting with your own self-talk. You are not a victim. You are a person who\u2019s played a role in her own history, and has the opportunity to play a positive one in her present and future. Once you tell the truth you can move on and start the work that gets your divorce done.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Well done on getting to the end of this blog. If you found it triggering you may need to seek support from a counsellor. Remember that your mental health needs looking after just as your physical health does, and that sometimes therapy is the vital step you need to take. It shows strength to recognise that and take action.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you are now thinking \u2018I know I need to let go, I recognise my part in everything that\u2019s happened\u2019, coaching may be useful for you. I can help you recognise and break negative patterns, create a vision for the future and be alongside you as you make it happen.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Book in a call<\/a> and let\u2019s get started.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Divorce: The Truth That\u2019s Difficult To Hear When you divorce it\u2019s easy to fall into the trap of being the victim. And yes, it\u2019s likely your ex has done some appalling things. But if you are going to move forward, both emotionally and legally, you need to get totally honest. So in Divorce: The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":9309,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> When you divorce it\u2019s easy to fall into the trap of being the victim. And yes, it\u2019s likely your ex has done some appalling things. But if you are going to move forward, both emotionally and legally, you need to get totally honest. So in Divorce: The Truth That\u2019s Difficult To Hear <\/em>we\u2019re looking at your truth \u2013 including the truth about the part you have to play in your marriage and divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> As ever, this blog is NOT designed for women who are experiencing physical abuse. If you need to get out of an unsafe relationship because you and your children are at risk, please seek support at Women\u2019s Aid<\/a>. Remember to use the \u2018cover my tracks button\u2019 before you leave the website.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You may find this blog triggering. It asks you to explore your part in your relationship - situations you knew to be unhealthy but you engaged in willingly anyway (I know I\u2019ve done that more than once)<\/em>. If you\u2019re already saying \u2018it\u2019s all him. I\u2019m the victim\u2019 please don\u2019t read further today.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The truth is, you can\u2019t control what other people do but you are responsible for looking after your own mental health and actions, however difficult that is to acknowledge. That doesn\u2019t mean you need to beat yourself up if you\u2019re in a bad place right now. It does mean it\u2019s time to explore your reality and how you can move forward.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Please note I use gendered language in this blog because the vast majority of my clients are women divorcing men, and often the power dynamics play out in line with gender norms and expectations (often men wanting to dominate women, as you\u2019ll read below). If you\u2019re in a same-sex marriage, these issues can also very much apply, and I urge you to read on and see how they relate to your relationship.<\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> The vast majority of my clients share that they knew before <\/em>they said \u2018I do\u2019\u00a0that they weren\u2019t doing the right thing for them but they did it anyway.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Why? For a variety of reasons: hoping he\u2019d change, not daring to back out and \u2018let people down\u2019, or because someone told them they\u2019d \u2018made their bed so they have to lie in it\u2019. This can happen after the wedding vows too \u2013 it feels too late to call it quits for exactly the same reasons.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Notice that all of these scenarios involve her giving her power away to someone else - her husband, family, friends\u2026 the truth is she let the power she had go to comply with other people\u2019s expectations.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Once that happens, relationships become very challenging.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You feel like you have no say, no influence and that everything happens \u2018to you\u2019. You become the victim in your own marriage. When you feel like you have no power you stay small, play small and stop believing you have any say. You think the way you feel is real and as though it will be that way forever. Everything feels overwhelming and as though you\u2019re backed into a corner.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It is always possible to turn things around. It\u2019s not easy, but it\u2019s possible.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Here\u2019s a question to ask yourself before we carry on: When did you stop listening to you? More importantly, why?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Weak men don\u2019t seek out weak women. They seek out strong women and break them (or at least they try). This is how they feel powerful and important. They take your energy for themselves.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Weak men can appear strong. Intelligent. Capable. Successful. That\u2019s how they attracted you, right? They confide in you. They show you their vulnerability. You love it. You buy in. Then they have you. Emotionally, you are sold.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Then things just feel \u2018off\u2019 but you can\u2019t put your finger on why. You tell yourself it's okay - he\u2019s a good guy really. He\u2019s just \u2018lost\u2019, \u2018confused\u2019, \u2018misunderstood\u2019 and you ignore your gut because you don\u2019t want to engage in the uncomfortable feelings \u2013 they\u2019re too uncomfortable and for now it\u2019s easier to push them back.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> This how most women end up in a high conflict situation. Are you? Read more on the tell-tale signs here.<\/a><\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Conflict can be addictive even if our rational mind hates it. Sometimes the only attention we get is negative. When this happens consistently we can get drawn into the power game. Any attention is better than no attention. So as conflict becomes familiar we become addicted to the \u2018high\u2019 we get from it. When your rational mind knows that arguing and shouting get you nowhere, but you just can\u2019t help yourself and respond anyway, it keeps the circle going.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Own that. Own that you are part of the circle, and part of keeping it going. This is not about blame. You are not \u2018bad\u2019 or \u2018wrong\u2019. It is what it is and it\u2019s entirely human that you\u2019ve got here.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you accept 100% responsibility for your part then you have the power to change it. Don\u2019t give him the argument. Your response to his behaviour is in your control - that\u2019s the difficult truth. You can decide to stop engaging in the power play at any time.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Starting with the truth also means acknowledging just how flipping amazing you really are. Most of my clients share stories of how they\u2019ve been a single parent in a marriage. They do everything. School runs, homework, taxis service, bedtime routines, discipline.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You might do all the cleaning, gardening, washing and ironing. Even if you have people doing those things for you, you are the one that organises it all, coordinates and deals with issues as they arise.\u00a0You do all the emotional and mental labour for your relationship.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You may also have a career outside of the home and family. But you continually beat yourself up that it\u2019s not enough. Because he says so!<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When are you going to acknowledge just how amazing you are?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You can start anytime you choose. Why not start now?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you take 100% responsibility for where you are right now you take back your power. You have to acknowledge the present so you can look to the future. Taking 100% responsibility doesn\u2019t mean \u2018letting him off the hook\u2019, \u2018forgiving him\u2019 or ignoring your PTSD or other mental health issues that have resulted from your relationship. It simply means that from now on, you are taking your future into your own hands. You stop looking at him and what he did (or didn\u2019t) do.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You stop thinking about blame because it\u2019s wasted energy. He isn\u2019t responsible for your recovery - you are.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Here\u2019s one thing to stop today. Stop telling your divorce story. The more you tell that story the more you reinforce the neural pathways in your brain. It keeps you stuck in \u2018victim\u2019 mode. You can read more about the negative power of your divorce story here<\/a>.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You need to be telling your brain over and over that you\u2019re a powerful woman! Powerful women get stuff done - including your divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> So tell the truth, starting with your own self-talk. You are not a victim. You are a person who\u2019s played a role in her own history, and has the opportunity to play a positive one in her present and future. Once you tell the truth you can move on and start the work that gets your divorce done.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Well done on getting to the end of this blog. If you found it triggering you may need to seek support from a counsellor. Remember that your mental health needs looking after just as your physical health does, and that sometimes therapy is the vital step you need to take. It shows strength to recognise that and take action.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you are now thinking \u2018I know I need to let go, I recognise my part in everything that\u2019s happened\u2019, coaching may be useful for you. I can help you recognise and break negative patterns, create a vision for the future and be alongside you as you make it happen.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Book in a call<\/a> and let\u2019s get started.<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9306","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-3.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-2q6","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9306","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9306"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9306\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9309"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9306"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9306"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9306"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>A warning<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Where\u2019s the power in your relationship?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Are you experiencing emotional abuse?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>A vicious circle<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Who are you really?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Take back your power<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Get Support<\/span><\/h2>\n
Divorce: The Truth That\u2019s Difficult To Hear<\/h1>
A warning<\/h2>
Where\u2019s the power in your relationship?<\/h2>
Are you experiencing emotional abuse?<\/h2>
A vicious circle<\/h2>
Who are you really?<\/h2>
Take back your power<\/h2>
Get Support<\/h2>