[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.22″ fb_built=”1″ _i=”0″ _address=”0″][et_pb_row _builder_version=”3.25″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” _i=”0″ _address=”0.0″][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” _i=”0″ _address=”0.0.0″ custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.29.3″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” _i=”0″ _address=”0.0.0.0″]<\/p>\n
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People get divorced because of what they don\u2019t<\/em> want. They no longer want the marriage, the abuse, the drama, the financial constraints, the loss of personal identity. Whatever it is for you, there are one or more big things you don\u2019t want that mean you are on a divorce journey. And, when you talk about your divorce that\u2019s what comes up. Your reasons for leaving. Those bad things.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s time to change focus. In Divorce: What do you really want?<\/em>\u00a0 we take a look at the bigger picture.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Have you heard the expression \u2018thoughts become things\u2019? Or maybe \u2018What you resist persists\u2019? They are the same thing. In psychology and linguistic terms, the brain doesn\u2019t understand negatives. The thought \u2018I don\u2019t want drama\u2019 is understood subconsciously as \u2018drama\u2019. \u2018I don\u2019t want abuse\u2019 is understood as \u2018abuse\u2019.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Perhaps you have spiritual beliefs – you\u2019ll know that the law of attraction works the same way. So whether science or spirituality is your thing (and it could be a mix of both), thoughts become things. What you say to yourself shapes how you experience life.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Those bad things that pushed you to leave have done their job. Thank them and leave them behind. It\u2019s time for a new story.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now\u2019s the time to focus on what you do want \u2013 that\u2019s how the positive change will happen. When we focus on what we want we allow\u00a0opportunity and circumstance to come in. Those opportunities will have been there all along – you just can\u2019t see them because you\u2019re focussing on what you don\u2019t want. There\u2019s no space to see the alternatives.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you tell your brain what you do want, it goes on a search to find it. Don\u2019t believe me? Ever noticed how when you\u2019re lusting after a new car you see the model you want everywhere?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So focus on what you want and how you want to feel. <\/em>If you feel lost, frightened, confused and scared right now, remember a time when you felt free, excited, calm or other emotions you want to feel. You already <\/em>know how to feel good in this moment. When you watch your children play or you laugh with friends. That\u2019s all it is.\u00a0 When you feel good it\u2019s easier to focus on what you do want and imagine it happening.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n What you want will be personal to you. There is no \u2018right or wrong\u2019. Is it a new home or being able to stay in your current one? Is it freedom? Financial independence? Something else? I always begin my Get Divorce Ready programme with focussing on what you want – it starts the road map for your divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You always have the power to tell yourself a different story. So start today. Make it a daily habit to quit telling yourself what you don\u2019t want and starting thinking and saying what it is you do want.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Letting go is hard – particularly if like me, co-dependency is part of your history. We crave control because we want to create certainty and safety. Whenever control involves another adult human being it never works. But, oh how we keep trying and trying and maybe this time\u2026<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The truth is you cannot control your ex, what they do, think or don\u2019t do. You cannot control the legal process either.\u00a0But you can control your response.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you decide that you\u2019ll be traumatised if XYZ happens then you will be \u2013 you\u2019ve set yourself up for it. If you decide that it\u2019ll be a disaster if you don\u2019t get the result in court you want then guess what, it\u2019ll be a disaster because your brain will look for the evidence.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Statements such as \u2018I\u2019ll feel good if\/when\/after XYZ\u2019 are you giving your power away. You are postponing feeling good. Let go of the ifs and whens and focus on now.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you let go of trying to force any particular situation, you can be more resourceful for dealing with what is.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The reality is, whatever happens, you can and will get through it. Might it be tough emotionally and financially? Yes. You might need support \u2013 therapeutic, legal, emotional. It is absolutely legitimate to feel low and overwhelmed when going through something as huge as divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The powerful thing to do is to recognise how you\u2019re feeling, take the action and seek the support you need, rather than stay stuck.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Getting what you really want starts with believing that you\u2019re worthy of having it. Not from an angry \u2018Well, of course, I flipping well am\u2019 but from a quiet, grounded knowing of \u2018I am worth this\u2019.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Standing in the truth that you are worthy of the life you want is one of the most powerful things you can do. It\u2019s the launchpad for real change. And no-one can take that feeling away from you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It can take time, therapy or coaching to connect with this knowing and belief. Particularly if you have been a relationship where you were made to feel less than enough. I have never been married but I have experienced this more than once.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n My \u2018you\u2019re not good enough\u2019 relationships were dressed up in very different ways so I didn\u2019t see it the second time. Second time around I thought he was the opposite of everything the first one was. It turns out that underneath they were the same person coming in to help me learn the same lesson.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It was long, painful and very expensive emotionally and <\/em>financially but I did learn the lesson. I am worth it and so are you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you accept the past with grace you can reframe and release the hurt. Because I\u2019m not divorced I used to feel that I wasn\u2019t worthy of talking about divorce and that my practical experience wasn\u2019t enough. I didn\u2019t feel worthy to talk and write about something I have never experienced myself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Only recently have I truly understood that all that has happened in my own life, both personally and professionally, is perfect for the growth of divorce alchemy.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If my last relationship had unfolded the way I wanted I wouldn\u2019t be writing this blog now. My work as The Divorce Alchemist wouldn\u2019t exist.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When I started the Divorce Alchemist I was deeply unhappy and in a money mess. I had to sell my home and start again \u2013 financially and emotionally.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now I am doing work I love, supporting women to create the lives they are worthy of, living in a home I love, with deer and woods just a few minutes\u2019 walk away.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n That failed relationship was the greatest gift I could have received. It definitely didn\u2019t feel like that at the time! Did I learn the lesson straight away? No. Did I heck!! I was still trying to control outcomes and hoping we would work it out.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We didn\u2019t, and now I say thank goodness!\u00a0Now I look back with grace and know it did all happen for a reason. Every. Single. Thing. Sometimes our darkest hours lead us to a brighter light.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you know you\u2019re worthy and the life you want is yours for the taking the feeling is so solid it\u2019s undeniable. It\u2019s a place where you can grow anything you want and need, and move through your divorce with grace and ease. But first, let go and thank the past for its lessons.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n That doesn\u2019t mean there won\u2019t be challenges or moments of fear and worry. It means that you can refocus on the bigger picture with a knowing that this is alchemy – transformation from the old to the new you because you most definitely are worth it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can\u2019t always see the wood for the trees when you\u2019re in the thick of it. If you\u2019d like help creating your brighter future, both creating the vision and navigating divorce to make it happen, drop me a message<\/a>. We can do it together.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a> Divorce: What do you really want? People get divorced because of what they don\u2019t want. They no longer want the marriage, the abuse, the drama, the financial constraints, the loss of personal identity. Whatever it is for you, there are one or more big things you don\u2019t want that mean you are on a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":9709,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> People get divorced because of what they don\u2019t<\/em> want. They no longer want the marriage, the abuse, the drama, the financial constraints, the loss of personal identity. Whatever it is for you, there are one or more big things you don\u2019t want that mean you are on a divorce journey. And, when you talk about your divorce that\u2019s what comes up. Your reasons for leaving. Those bad things.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It\u2019s time to change focus. In Divorce: What do you really want?<\/em>\u00a0 we take a look at the bigger picture.<\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> Have you heard the expression \u2018thoughts become things\u2019? Or maybe \u2018What you resist persists\u2019? They are the same thing. In psychology and linguistic terms, the brain doesn\u2019t understand negatives. The thought \u2018I don\u2019t want drama\u2019 is understood subconsciously as \u2018drama\u2019. \u2018I don\u2019t want abuse\u2019 is understood as \u2018abuse\u2019.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Perhaps you have spiritual beliefs - you\u2019ll know that the law of attraction works the same way. So whether science or spirituality is your thing (and it could be a mix of both), thoughts become things. What you say to yourself shapes how you experience life.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Those bad things that pushed you to leave have done their job. Thank them and leave them behind. It\u2019s time for a new story.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Now\u2019s the time to focus on what you do want \u2013 that\u2019s how the positive change will happen. When we focus on what we want we allow\u00a0opportunity and circumstance to come in. Those opportunities will have been there all along - you just can\u2019t see them because you\u2019re focussing on what you don\u2019t want. There\u2019s no space to see the alternatives.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you tell your brain what you do want, it goes on a search to find it. Don\u2019t believe me? Ever noticed how when you\u2019re lusting after a new car you see the model you want everywhere?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> So focus on what you want and how you want to feel. <\/em>If you feel lost, frightened, confused and scared right now, remember a time when you felt free, excited, calm or other emotions you want to feel. You already <\/em>know how to feel good in this moment. When you watch your children play or you laugh with friends. That\u2019s all it is.\u00a0 When you feel good it\u2019s easier to focus on what you do want and imagine it happening.\u00a0<\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> What you want will be personal to you. There is no \u2018right or wrong\u2019. Is it a new home or being able to stay in your current one? Is it freedom? Financial independence? Something else? I always begin my Get Divorce Ready programme with focussing on what you want - it starts the road map for your divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You always have the power to tell yourself a different story. So start today. Make it a daily habit to quit telling yourself what you don\u2019t want and starting thinking and saying what it is you do want.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Letting go is hard - particularly if like me, co-dependency is part of your history. We crave control because we want to create certainty and safety. Whenever control involves another adult human being it never works. But, oh how we keep trying and trying and maybe this time\u2026<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The truth is you cannot control your ex, what they do, think or don\u2019t do. You cannot control the legal process either.\u00a0But you can control your response.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you decide that you\u2019ll be traumatised if XYZ happens then you will be \u2013 you\u2019ve set yourself up for it. If you decide that it\u2019ll be a disaster if you don\u2019t get the result in court you want then guess what, it\u2019ll be a disaster because your brain will look for the evidence.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Statements such as \u2018I\u2019ll feel good if\/when\/after XYZ\u2019 are you giving your power away. You are postponing feeling good. Let go of the ifs and whens and focus on now.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you let go of trying to force any particular situation, you can be more resourceful for dealing with what is.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The reality is, whatever happens, you can and will get through it. Might it be tough emotionally and financially? Yes. You might need support \u2013 therapeutic, legal, emotional. It is absolutely legitimate to feel low and overwhelmed when going through something as huge as divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The powerful thing to do is to recognise how you\u2019re feeling, take the action and seek the support you need, rather than stay stuck.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Getting what you really want starts with believing that you\u2019re worthy of having it. Not from an angry \u2018Well, of course, I flipping well am\u2019 but from a quiet, grounded knowing of \u2018I am worth this\u2019.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Standing in the truth that you are worthy of the life you want is one of the most powerful things you can do. It\u2019s the launchpad for real change. And no-one can take that feeling away from you.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It can take time, therapy or coaching to connect with this knowing and belief. Particularly if you have been a relationship where you were made to feel less than enough. I have never been married but I have experienced this more than once.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> My \u2018you\u2019re not good enough\u2019 relationships were dressed up in very different ways so I didn\u2019t see it the second time. Second time around I thought he was the opposite of everything the first one was. It turns out that underneath they were the same person coming in to help me learn the same lesson.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It was long, painful and very expensive emotionally and <\/em>financially but I did learn the lesson. I am worth it and so are you.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you accept the past with grace you can reframe and release the hurt. Because I\u2019m not divorced I used to feel that I wasn\u2019t worthy of talking about divorce and that my practical experience wasn\u2019t enough. I didn\u2019t feel worthy to talk and write about something I have never experienced myself.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Only recently have I truly understood that all that has happened in my own life, both personally and professionally, is perfect for the growth of divorce alchemy.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If my last relationship had unfolded the way I wanted I wouldn\u2019t be writing this blog now. My work as The Divorce Alchemist wouldn\u2019t exist.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When I started the Divorce Alchemist I was deeply unhappy and in a money mess. I had to sell my home and start again \u2013 financially and emotionally.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Now I am doing work I love, supporting women to create the lives they are worthy of, living in a home I love, with deer and woods just a few minutes\u2019 walk away.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> That failed relationship was the greatest gift I could have received. It definitely didn\u2019t feel like that at the time! Did I learn the lesson straight away? No. Did I heck!! I was still trying to control outcomes and hoping we would work it out.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> We didn\u2019t, and now I say thank goodness!\u00a0Now I look back with grace and know it did all happen for a reason. Every. Single. Thing. Sometimes our darkest hours lead us to a brighter light.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you know you\u2019re worthy and the life you want is yours for the taking the feeling is so solid it\u2019s undeniable. It\u2019s a place where you can grow anything you want and need, and move through your divorce with grace and ease. But first, let go and thank the past for its lessons.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> That doesn\u2019t mean there won\u2019t be challenges or moments of fear and worry. It means that you can refocus on the bigger picture with a knowing that this is alchemy - transformation from the old to the new you because you most definitely are worth it.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You can\u2019t always see the wood for the trees when you\u2019re in the thick of it. If you\u2019d like help creating your brighter future, both creating the vision and navigating divorce to make it happen, drop me a message<\/a>. We can do it together.<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9708","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-2wA","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/10\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-4.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9708","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9708"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9708\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9709"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9708"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9708"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9708"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Thoughts become things<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Focus on what you do want<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Let go of what you cannot control<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Believe that you are worth it<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Accept the past with grace<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Know that a brighter future is coming<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Divorce: What do you really want?<\/h1>
Thoughts become things<\/h2>
Focus on what you do want<\/h2>
Let go of what you cannot control<\/h2>
Believe that you are worth it<\/h2>
Accept the past with grace<\/h2>
Know that a brighter future is coming<\/h2>