5 Signs You’re in a quiet divorce
‘Quiet Divorce’ became a buzzword last year, but in truth, it’s been around for centuries – longer, probably! So what is a quiet divorce, and what can you do if you’re in one? Here are five signs you’re in a quiet divorce.
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You and your spouse lead parallel lives
You have your routines, they have theirs. You go to work, go out with friends separately. Eat separately, or if you eat together, you don’t talk. In the evenings you watch separate things on separate devices. It’s more like being in a flatshare from your twenties than a marriage.
There’s no intimacy, physical or otherwise
Intimacy doesn’t just mean sex, though in a quiet divorce that’s not usually happening either. It’s also signs of caring – holding hands, smiling, hugging each other. And beyond that, it’s who you feel comfortable with. Who do you turn to when you’re having a bad day? Who do you want to be vulnerable with? If it’s not your spouse, then you’ve lost emotional intimacy too.
Lack of energy
Quiet divorces are sometimes called zombie marriages. The marriage is no longer alive. And when you’re living like that, you sink into a rut. You’re going through the motions in life, but nothing is exciting. Living like this affects your mental health as well as your marriage.
You don’t talk to one another
Communication is the life-blood of any relationship. If you don’t communicate, beyond the bare minimum, you lose the connection between you. Even arguments can be healthy – they show that you have something invested in the other person. When you can’t even be bothered to argue, something has gone very badly wrong.
No shared goals
It goes without saying that if you’re not talking to one another, and you’re living separate lives, you’re not building a future together. You’re just existing, and perhaps fulfilling family obligations, like visiting the in-laws, out of habit. What meaning is there in your life? Hopefully you have interests, ambitions and goals of your own that you are pursuing. But if at least some of these don’t involve your spouse, then the life together you once committed to isn’t really happening.
So you’re in a quiet divorce, now what?
‘Quiet Divorce’ is a new name for an ancient problem. All marriages will have an ebb and flow of energy and intimacy. So, if you ticked the box for every single one of these five signs, it doesn’t mean your marriage is necessarily over. It does mean it needs some attention, unless you are happy to carry on in this emotionally disconnected way.
The first step is to reconnect to what you really want out of life and marriage. And then to have a conversation with your spouse.
If you don’t know where to start on any of that, I can help. I offer trauma responsive coaching, which means I can help you understand what’s at play in your marriage. Working with me doesn’t always result in divorce! My goal is to see more fulfilled women in the world, whether that’s in marriage or not.
For me, ‘quiet divorce’ is a con – it’s a zombie way to go through life. You deserve better than that. Book your free call with me and let’s turn it around.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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