I’m speaking to a lot of women who don’t feel ready to divorce right now. They know their marriage is over, but they’re staying because of financial uncertainty, or waiting until after their 16 year old finishes their GCSEs, or until life ‘settles down’. ‘Prepare for divorce’ isn’t on their list of to-do’s right now.
If that’s you, I want to let you in on a little secret. Smart divorce doesn’t start with the big announcement. It doesn’t start with you dealing with your spouse’s reaction, or breaking the news to your children. It starts with a decision. And then some quiet action. All of which is available to you to start – today. Here are five ways to prepare for divorce so you’re ready to go.
Make the decision
The very first thing you need to do is decide whether divorce is the right next step. Because, of course, if your marriage is unhealthy, there are other options open to you. You might consider individual or couples therapy. You might try sharing your worries about your marriage with your spouse, or confide in a trusted friend.
Chances are, though, if you’re reading this blog, you’ve already passed through these steps. It’s time to decide for yourself – quietly, but firmly.
Let yourself process
In my book How To Be A Lady Who Leaves, I share the very first thing to do when you’ve decided to divorce.
Nothing.
Do nothing. No big decisions about home or work. Don’t even tell anyone. Simply let your decision land, with yourself first. There will be time to deal with everyone and everything else soon enough. The first thing you need to do is allow some grief, and start to accept that this is where you are. Believe me when I say that doing ‘nothing’ isn’t nothing. It’s a crucial, emotionally active, part of the process.
Get your paperwork organised
There is plenty you can quietly organise if you don’t feel ready or able to actually leave. Do you know where all your important documents are? Do you have access to your bank accounts, including any savings and investments? Do you have household assets such as paintings or jewellery that need valuing?
You will need to know your numbers – your assets and liabilities – in detail when it comes to settling financial arrangements, so the more work you can do on this now, the better. And if there are any known unknowns, it will be easier to investigate them now.
Create your vision
Divorce is an opportunity for a reset. You get to live life on your terms again.
What do you want your life to be like? What values are important to you, and how can you bring those to life? Think about:
- Family
- Home
- Friendships
- Work/career
- Fun
And consider what you want and need from all of these. For example, you might not care what your home is like, but you know you want to live in a particular location to be near your children’s school. Or you might decide this is the time to move out of the city, and get a bigger garden. You might want or need to retrain, to secure more financially rewarding work, or work more aligned with career goals.
You won’t be able to wave a magic wand and change things immediately, of course. But the only way to take steps towards the future you want is to create your vision first.
Plan the conversation
The time will come when you have to break the news. To your spouse, your children, your family and friends. By having a plan, you exert some control over how it goes. You get to choose the time, the place, and what you want to say – all of which play a big part in the response you get.
Of course, this news is going to be upsetting. But if you think about:
- When and where – what is going to be safest and most emotionally holding for everyone involved?
- The words you use – try as far as possible to state your decision as facts and not get drawn into blame games
- Your tone – speaking with clarity and conviction will land differently to aggression or apology
- Your boundaries – yes you will need to provide some explanation, but you don’t need to respond to every question if you don’t feel able or don’t want to. Considering this in advance will mean you’re more emotionally prepared for what might come up.
And if you want to go deeper you can read more in this article Divorce 101: The 10 Things You Need To Get Divorce Ready
Work with me to have a good divorce
I provide divorce coaching at any stage of your divorce journey – and the very best time to work with me is right at the start. I can help you work through everything we’ve covered on this blog, so you can enter the divorce proceedings feeling calm, in control and excited for your future.
Curious to know how I can help? Book your free 15 minute consultation here.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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