Stress is normal. Life brings us stress, and sometimes that feels exciting – like the adrenaline rush some people (not me!) seek on rollercoasters. Sometimes it just feels like part of life, in the way that happiness, frustration and tiredness are a part of everyday life too. And, sometimes, your system can become overwhelmed and dysregulated – something that can often happen in divorce.
When your nervous system is dysregulated it is so much harder to think clearly, advocate for yourself and move your divorce forward effectively. It also means that tiny things, such as forgetting your child’s PE kit, or missing a phone call from the doctor, can trip you into panic and overwhelm, because you’re operating at a state of permanent hyper or hypo-vigilance. So it’s absolutely vital for your health and for your divorce that you take steps to reset. Here are five ways to regulate your nervous system during divorce.
1. Try these grounding techniques
Fight/flight/freeze mode occurs when your body perceives a threat. Grounding is effective because it brings you back to the present moment. Here are three present moment awareness techniques you can try:
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- Counting five things you see, four you hear, three you can touch, two you can smell and one you can taste. This uses all of your senses to anchor you in your present moment
- If you find yourself having flashbacks or catastrophising thoughts about the future – about an interaction with your soon-to-be-ex, for example – try this: notice things around you that are different to that scenario. If you’re thinking back to a particularly nasty argument that happened over Christmas, look around you and remind yourself it’s not Christmas now. If you’re worried about a court scenario, notice where you are now – it’s not the court room. Soothe your nervous system and remind yourself that whatever’s going on in your head, it’s not happening right now. Say it out loud if it’s helpful to make it more real.
- Take your shoes off and stand on bare soil or grass. This is another way to give yourself a sensory experience that brings you back to now. And there is also some evidence that soil, and the minerals and bacteria it contains, are beneficial for our mental health.
2. Use pressure or touch
A dysregulated nervous system affects your body, so it makes sense to work with your body to help it back to a more balanced state. That’s what these interventions focus on.
Those of you who read my blogs and emails regularly will know that I am a full time carer for my husband, Nigel, who has dementia. Advocating for Nigel, caring for him, and managing my own emotions as I witness his dementia has taken a heavy toll on my stress levels, as you can imagine. And one of the things I do for myself (and have been recommended to do for myself by our social worker), is a monthly massage. Massage is a lovely, relaxing experience, but it is so much more than that. It is a way to release physical tension in your body, which often helps release emotional tension too.
A weighted blanket is another way to access the power of pressure to soothe and calm your nervous system. They are thought to help lower cortisol and help release serotonin.
3. Spend time in nature
There is plenty of research to suggest that contact with nature is beneficial for our nervous system. Getting outside, moving around, getting some fresh air is all helpful – and can be as simple as a ten minute walk at lunchtime.
There is even research to suggest that simply looking at images of nature can be soothing for the nervous system. So build nature into your day – and get yourself some houseplants!
4.Cold water immersion
Cold water swimming is ‘the thing’ at the moment, particularly with lots of perimenopausal and menopausal women I know. And they tell me it works (I’ve never been tempted myself!) – they feel more alive, less stressed and more in control of their lives. But if it’s not for you, or you can’t get to some safe open water, then try a minute of cold water at the end of your shower.
Cold water works by putting your body into a stressed state initially, then triggering a ‘rebound effect’ whereby your nervous system steps in, triggering endorphins and noradrenaline. You can read one study into the effects of cold water on mood and your brain here.
5.Sleep
We all know that sleep is good for us, but it really is time to take sleep seriously! It’s not just about avoiding feeling sluggish or crabby the next day. There are several physiological processes that occur in the brain and central nervous system during sleep that are important for our physical and mental health. The latest thinking is that REM sleep helps us process emotions and memories. And sleep is also the time that microscopic debris – unwanted proteins and toxins – can be flushed from the brain, as well as a time for hormone regulation.
So, if sleep is an issue for you, please make some changes to welcome more of it into your nights. Here are some things to try:
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- Go to bed earlier! Simple, but effective. Set yourself a bedtime, and stick to it – don’t let netflix take over
- Block out wind down time, without work or phone, for half an hour before you plan on sleeping
- Write down three things you are grateful for each evening. This helps get your brain into a calmer state of mind. If there are worries or ‘to-dos’ on your mind, you can write these down too, knowing they are safely captured for you to pick up again in the morning
- Put drops of lavender oil on your pillow
- Put on relaxing music, white noise, a yoga nidra for sleep or sleep hypnosis. You can find these on Spotify (and plenty of other places).
Taking steps to reset and regulate your nervous system is the absolute foundation of self-care during divorce. I know it can be tempting to ‘just keep going’. But your physical and mental health will pay the price at some point. And you may pay the price in terms of your divorce too, if you’re less able to think clearly and advocate for yourself.
If you’d like help making a plan for you, as well as a plan for your divorce, that’s what I’m here for. I’m a trauma-informed coach and high conflict diversion specialist. I can help you get to a more grounded, positive place, so you can start looking forward to life again – both during and after divorce.
Just book your free call to see how I can help you.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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