1. Stop reacting…
And start responding wisely.
Normalise taking your time to pause, digest and assess. Bossing your divorce means slowing down.
Here’s what that looks like:
You receive an email from your soon-to-be-ex’s solicitor, demanding some figures by the end of the week.
Reaction: you’re immediately on the defensive, enraged, anxious about getting the information together. You might fire off an angry text to your ex asking them what they’re playing at, and spend the next few days fuming, losing sleep.
Response: you take a deep breath. You think about the practical content of what’s in the email. Is it reasonable? Are they overstepping or playing powergames? You think about your own needs and time frames. You consult professional help if needed (like me!), to be fully informed. And you reply, ‘I’ve received your message, thank you. I’m consulting with my team and can have a response for you within ten days.’
2. Stop emotional communication…
And use BIFF.
Humans are emotional, of course we are. And emotional communication can be helpful in some situations – think about charity campaigns pulling at your heartstrings. But a CEO mindset focuses on logic as well as emotional intelligence. And when you get drawn into emotional communication with your soon-to-be-ex things usually escalate.
So use the BIFF method instead. Keep things:
Brief – no unnecessary extras
Informative – stay on point and move your divorce forward
Firm – no giving away your power with things like ‘if you don’t mind?’
Friendly – in the sense of being civil, not aggressive or passive aggressive.
3. Stop going with the flow…
And make a plan.
Of course, it’s good to be flexible. That’s a known CEO quality too. Life is always going to throw you curveballs. But you need a vision for your future – one grounded in ambitious reality. And then you need to put your attention and energy into making it happen.
4. Stop giving away your future…
Just for a moment’s peace right now.
I see this all the time and it breaks my heart. Women walk away from the financial settlement they deserve because they just want it all to be over. It’s a tactic your spouse will use to grind you down. Fight for your future self and stand your ground.
5. Be a boss and stop doing it all yourself…
And build a team you trust.
A CEO knows they can’t do everything themselves. They know a successful project requires different skillsets. So they bring in expertise, tactically, while retaining control of the decision-making. You can’t be expected to become a legal and financial expert overnight, or have emotional and strategic insight when you’re deep in stress, maybe trauma. There are professionals who can help you. Invest in them to protect yourself now, and to protect your future.
Being a CEO of your divorce means you are in control of what you do during divorce, not the other way around. As a trauma responsive divorce strategist with over a decade of experience, I can help you take the action you need now to get the future you deserve.
Book your free consultation with me today.
Boss your divorce with these quick questions
I get it. It’s challenging stepping up when you perhaps aren’t used to being the one to lead in your marriage. But here are some quick steps you can start working on right now.
Q1. How can I best communicate through divorce?
Learn to respond rather than react. Pause before you reply. Read the practical content, decide whether the request is reasonable, consider your needs and timings, take advice if needed, and reply with a clear timeframe you choose.
Q2. Why should use the BIFF technique?
Emotional back-and-forth fuels conflict. BIFF keeps you in your CEO mindset: Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly (civil, not aggressive), so conversations move your case forward.
Q3. What’s wrong with ‘going with the flow’ — and what should I do instead?
Without a vision and plan, you drift and react to everyone else’s agenda. Set a grounded, ambitious vision for your future and direct your time and energy towards it.
Q4. Why shouldn’t I just agree and get it over with?
Agreeing to a poor settlement to ‘get it over with’ can cost you for years. It’s a grind-down tactic. Protect your future self and hold your line on a fair, needs-based outcome.
Q5. Do I need a team, or can I do this myself?
You don’t have to do it all. Build a trusted team (legal, financial, coaching/strategy) can save you time and money so you keep control of decisions while getting the right expertise to safeguard your present and future.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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