Divorce: When its time to move on (why Ladies Who Leave is closing)
When it’s time to move on, you feel it. You know it. There’s no denying it to yourself and others. Perhaps you felt like this in your marriage. I’m feeling this about my Facebook Group Ladies Who Leave. I’ve been running it now for 6 years and it’s time to say goodbye. It’s time to say goodbye because it doesn’t light me up and make me feel good the way it used to. It’s not fun anymore like it used to be and it’s just time for me to move on.
Staying in something that no longer serves you isn’t healthy. It’s draining – whether it’s a job, a marriage, or a Facebook group. When it’s over it’s over. Ladies Who Leave was started when my business was different. When Facebook was different. It was engaging – I could feel the difference it made to women’s lives. It was the women in Ladies Who Leave who took a chance when I opened up the paid membership to offer more support and group coaching for divorce. No one else does this in the way I do. These women trusted me and 3 years on – the Absolute Academy is a thriving and engaged community the way Ladies Who Leave had once been.
Ladies Who Leave
Ladies who leave are amazing women. They know that they deserve more than they are getting in their marriage. They know that they are a role model for their children and they take that responsibility very seriously. Divorce isn’t easy for anyone and the lady who leaves knows this acutely. She knows she may face judgement from her friends and family. She knows that she may lose connections but when she already knows she’s lost connection to herself she wants it back. The lady who leaves is a future-focused action taker. Does she wobble sometimes? Oh goodness yes she does – she’s human after all. Fear, anxiety and doubt come with the territory – it’s how they manage it that sets these women apart.
Many women stay in marriages that no longer serve them because they are just too kind. Kind to everyone except themselves. Worried about how your husband will cope if you leave him? Terrified your children will never recover? Desperate to avoid disappointing your parents because you’ve always been a good girl who does the ‘right’ thing? If you are unhappy in your marriage you are being too kind.
I know how that feels. I feel the same way about closing Ladies Who Leave. It’s hard.
I don’t want to be judged for being ‘selfish’ because I’m focusing on my paid client work. I don’t want to be criticised for removing a free resource from people and let anyone down. But the alternative is, I keep it all going to please…. everyone but myself. It’s not smart and I know it. Just like you staying in that unhappy marriage – staying for everyone else except yourself.
So I’m being kind to myself and do what feels right for me.
How about you?
I didn’t really understand what community was until I recognised for myself what an awesome place the Absolute Academy is. It’s a proper community of connected women who have each other’s backs. Truly. Wholeheartedly. If you need a tough-love reality check about your divorce well you’re going to get it. Why? Because we all care about you and your divorce outcome. We want you to succeed when you feel like jacking it all in and taking the breadcrumbs. We don’t want you holding out for an unrealistic unattainable outcome because you’re so angry you just want it to be fair when it’s obvious your idea of fairness and the court’s perception are two different things. Will it always be comfortable? No. Will it always be safe? Absolutely.
I love being in a community of women who care about each other, and even though the Absolute Academy is my baby, it’s not about me – far from it. It’s about the collective and the energy it creates. Sometimes there’s laughter and sometimes tears. There is absolutely no man-bashing or woman trashing. It’s not that kind of vibe.
Investing in yourself
Free Facebook groups have their place. You don’t have to have any emotional ‘buy-in’. You can just lurk. Hide and watch. Often, that lurking, hiding and watching becomes a habit and nothing changes. It gets comfortable. Too comfortable. The thing about divorce is, it’s not comfortable. So you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable for a long period of time. It does get easier though. Especially when you have a supportive community around you. When you invest in yourself you have the emotional ‘buy-in’. You go from being a passive observer to an action taker and that, in divorce, will help move you forward. You are giving yourself the unconscious and conscious message that you are worth it. That you don’t need to wait to see what your husband will “let you have”, you move to being ready to negotiate for what you want, need and deserve. You get the answers you need at the time you need them without second-guessing yourself and your deservedness.
When a woman decides she’s worth it, amazing things happen. Even when she’s getting a divorce on her own without a solicitor. She digs deep, she does the work she asks for support (and receives it) and together we all get her through. That is the power of investing in yourself and the community.
Support to experience it all yourself
Being kind to yourself and putting yourself first may not be easy for you. Thinking about investing in yourself and in a community of other women may be terrifying. It’s not like Ladies Who Leave where you can be a passive observer without any financial commitment. When you invest you want to get a return on that investment right? You invested in your marriage and the ROI was lacking – it didn’t feel good. So, you want to get your money’s worth with this investment and so you should. That’s why I’m offering you the opportunity to invest in your divorce with a trial week of the group coaching programme Get Divorce Ready and the Absolute Academy community. Your trial week will allow you to experience everything the community and programme has to offer – a try before you buy if you like! It’s just £47 for 7 days. That’s £6.72 per day to have access to me a former lawyer and mediator and expert in high conflict divorce and a community of divorcing women who are proactively getting themselves divorced with courage and grace whatever their circumstances. You’ll also receive a copy of my Amazon Best Seller How to be Lady Who Leaves The Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready and a set of my Understanding Divorce flashcards to keep whether or not you stay in the community after the trial week. Find out more and join the trial here at Get Divorce Ready – we start at 8 pm on Zoom tonight. Can’t make the call tonight? No worries the recordings will be available in the training portal whilst ever you are a member.
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six-Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com