How Do I Really Know I’m Ready For Divorce?
Many women come to me because they kind of, sort of, think that maybe, they want a divorce. At first, they’ll often appear quite confident, but slowly, it becomes clear when they almost whisper ‘but how do I really know I’m ready for divorce?’ The finality of divorce feel overwhelming and scary. The truth is, no one can give you the answer, so my response is always ‘So, how do you know that you’re really ready for divorce?’ Most ladies can then go on to give themselves (through sharing with me), a list of how they know!
It’s not a trick question
It’s not a trick question, it’s about trusting yourself. When we have big decisions to make, it’s easy to get stuck. Divorce Coaching isn’t about an ‘expert’ telling you what to do. Divorce coaching about being supported to come to your own conclusions, making your on decisions. Its not a trick question – it’s a reflection back at you, of you. Answering questions like this for yourself gives you the greatest clarity you can hope for. It also gives you confidence in your own thoughts.
We are all different
We are all different so how you might know, will be different (even if there are similarities) to others. The way that you experience that ‘knowing’ may well be different. Some of you may be very ‘head’ based. You’ll ‘think’ of a list of reasons for and against divorce which may be ‘rational’. You may feel that writing these down into ‘benefits’ and ‘consequences’ is helpful so you can ‘see’ in black and white in front of you.
Some of you may be more driven by your ‘heart’ and that emotions rule over what your head tells you. Others may have that gnawing feeling in your stomach that as much as you want to deny it, getting divorced is right for you. It’s important that you sit with the thoughts and feelings that you have for a while. Tap into those moments from your past when you’ve known you’ve made the right decision – you didn’t question it at the time and you didn’t regret it. Whereabouts in your body did that ‘knowing’ come from? Your head, your heart or your gut?
Spending time on this is worth it – figuring out how you make decisions will help you now and in your future life. You gotta listen to the signals that your body gives you. If you can’t hear them, you are over thinking. Sit quietly and let go of your thoughts. Breathe in and out equally. That might be in for 6 and out for 6 (whatever is best for you). As you find calm, go in and look for the answer to the question ‘How do I really know I’m ready for divorce?
It’s ok to want what you want
The most popular blog post I’ve ever written 5 Signs you are ready for divorce also contains some thoughts and suggestions on how to make a great decision for you. Remember that the decision to leave doesn’t make you a bad person, a failure or a terrible mother. You have the responsibility to yourself to live the life you want. If being married to this man doesn’t give you that; if for you there’s nothing that can be done change your relationship, you owe it to yourself to leave.
Fear isn’t a reason to stay
If the main concern that you have is fear, welcome to the human race! Fear is a natural part of life. Fear comes from feeling out of control, uncertain and confusion. Fear based on the physical or emotional repercussions of an abusive husband isn’t what I’m talking about here. If that is your fear, you can get support through organisations such as Refuge who also support men who have been subjected to domestic abuse.
Fear not based on those arising from domestic abuse can be handled differently. Acknowledge that you’re scared! it’s the first step to being able to manage your fear. There’s no shame in feeling fear even if you are the most together woman you know! Write down all your fears on one side of a piece of paper. On the other, write down all the steps you can take to minimise that fear, including asking yourself whether that fear is real!
At first, do nothing then take action!
I mentioned earlier, at first do nothing – sit with your thoughts and feelings, then take some action. That action doesn’t have to be announcing to your husband you’re leaving (and it might), it could mean beginning to plan what you might do, where you might go. Looking at the cost of renting / buying another home. Working out what your assets are, or booking some coaching or counselling. Exploring these options will help you gain clarity about what you want.
What if I’m still not sure?
It’s ok not not be sure. First of all, relax and breathe. I’ve created a 1 week email programme for you to work through called 7 Simple Steps. 7 Simple Steps will take you through a gentle private process that will help you make a decision. You may decide to stay – fabulous! Either way you’ll have the clarity you need to move forward.
Remember, you are not divorced until your Decree Absolute is pronounced. Lots of things can change in between. You may not know if you’re really ready for divorce until you actually start the process. Above all, be kind to yourself. I’m Emma, The Divorce Alchemist. I help ladies who leave make smart emotional and financial decisions on divorce. Want to chat about how I can help you? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org