Loneliness is one of this century’s taboo subjects. We’re in the middle of a loneliness epidemic, with 45% of adults in the UK reporting feeling lonely often, always or sometimes. And divorce brings its own layers of isolation and loneliness, sometimes from surprising sources. In this blog we’ll explore the complexities of divorce loneliness, and steps you can take to deal with it.
The loneliness of losing your partner
Many of my clients tell me they miss having their spouse around. Even if they detested them by the end. Even if their behaviour was awful. And there’s no judgement in this. It makes sense. Humans are creatures of habit, we get used to our routines, and for many of us, change is scary, even if it’s for the best. Besides which, it can be overwhelming to feel that it’s all on you. There isn’t anyone else to unload the dishwasher, or take the bins out. You need to decide where to book the family holiday on your own, and get on with it. These things can feel liberating, but they can quickly feel exhausting too. Sometimes we just want someone to share the load with (even if we can’t stand them!). And then there’s the grief. Remembering the good times. 99% of my clients have something good to say about their marriage – there were fun adventures, moments of quiet contentment. It is perfectly normal to mourn the loss of what once was, and what you’d hoped would continue.
The loneliness of disconnect from friends
Divorce loneliness isn’t only about your relationship ending. It can shine a light on fractures in your other social relationships too. Perhaps you had joint friends as a couple. And now your marriage has ended, some of those friends have slipped away, or picked a side. It’s very common for friends to seem to evaporate when divorce happens: it’s almost as though they think it’s contagious! And even when friends and family do stick around and support you, you can feel lonely. One of the loneliest feelings is being surrounded by people who don’t seem to get it. Feeling like you’re on the outside. And that’s what it can feel like, when your social circle is full of married couples and families. What do you do on the weekends now? Friends might offer support and well meaning advice, but it makes you wince. They’re coming from a good place, but, really, they have no idea what’s going on in your head.
The loneliness of disconnect from yourself
As well as feeling out of place with friends and family, many of my clients report a loss of connection with themselves when they divorce. Over time, their marriage has robbed them of their identity. They became buried under the demands and routines of everyday life. They got used to compromise, placating their spouse, or just not thinking about what they really wanted, and just went with the flow. Does this sound familiar? Divorce can launch you into an existential crisis. It can leave you searching for meaning, and wondering what you actually want out of life, and what you want to give to life, as well. And it’s true that this can be a bleak, lonely feeling. But I want you to know that this is also an opportunity. Did you really want to live life on autopilot? Divorce is hard, yes. But it’s also a wake up call. It’s an opportunity for a reset – to live life on your terms again.
3 ways to turn divorce loneliness around
-
Notice when you’re in comparison mode
It can be so tempting to think everyone else is living a golden, family life while you’re stuck on your own with just Netflix for company. If it’s a weekend when you’re on your own with no plans, try to notice when the judgement is creeping in. And remember, these are just stories your brain is telling you. For all that you’re longing to have a family walk in the woods, those parents in the woods are longing for some peace and quiet on their own! They say comparison is the thief of joy for good reason. We can burn a lot of energy and create a lot of bitterness by imagining how everyone else has it so good. When you find yourself doing this, pick one small action you can do right now. If you’re sat on the sofa scrolling, what is a helpful thing you could do instead? Make a coffee? Go for a walk? Text a friend to make a plan? Try to put your energy into your own life, rather than other people’s.
-
Ask for what you need
When you are faced with the long road of divorce, you need a support circle around you. And here’s the truth. It won’t happen by accident. Sure, some friends will rally round. But they are likely to say or do the wrong things at some point – it doesn’t make them bad friends, it’s just life. So don’t be afraid to ask. When difficult life events happen we’re conditioned to say ‘Let me know if you need anything’. But often those general offers of help go nowhere, because they’re not specific, and you feel awkward pushing it. Well meaning friends and family probably do really want to help, but just don’t know how, and don’t want to overstep. So be bold and tell them. If someone says ‘What can I do to help?’, rather than respond with ‘Oh, nothing, it’s fine’, try ‘I’d love a coffee next week’ or, ‘Please just check in with me on WhatsApp every so often, I’m getting really bored in the evenings when the children are in bed’.
-
Be intentional with your time
It’s okay to have some downtime and wallow in misery for a while. It’s normal to feel low energy, and to feel lost. But you don’t want to stay in that place forever. So decide on some small ways you are going to be intentional about your life. It could be something as simple as changing the brand of bread you buy, to start with. It could be booking a holiday. If you’re feeling lonely, get curious about how you’d like to spend your time. Is there a pile of books you’ve had on a ‘to be read’ shelf for years? Is there a dance class you and a friend have always joked about going to? By trying out some activities you’ve felt curious about but never got around to doing, you open yourself up to new possibilities, new ways of seeing yourself and the world, and new connections.
The one thing NOT to do!
Please don’t jump into a new relationship to try and solve your loneliness! You might want to have some fun dating, and as long as you’re feeling emotionally secure enough, and manage your safety, there’s no harm in that. But diving into a new serious relationship to fill the gap is likely to end in tears. You won’t be giving yourself space to process your divorce, and to reflect on your relationship with yourself. You perhaps won’t have the most quality control about who you go for. And there can be financial implications too. If you enter a stable relationship and then need to do financial disclosure, the court could take your new partner’s finances as they relate to you into consideration. It can get messy, stressful and expensive. If you’re in a high-conflict situation this is another complication you don’t need. If you’re considering dating, take a look at my Ultimate Guide to Dating During Divorce here.
Your divorce community
If you want to navigate divorce on your terms, and join a community of women who are facing similar issues, I’d love to welcome you into The Absolute Academy. I’m in there to support you through every step of your divorce with resources and coaching, but, beyond that you’ll meet a wonderfully inspiring group of women who really understand you and where you’re coming from, because they’re in it too. The Absolute Academy starts at £97 per month, and can save you thousands in solicitors’ fees, as well as give you a whole new network. Join us today!
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
0 Comments