How to deal with your high conflict ex at Christmas
If only leaving meant it was all over and you can finally have Christmas all on your terms. Sadly, that’s not the reality for many women who are divorcing a high conflict ex. If you have children, or shared assets, you will need to maintain some sort of contact, and it’s likely to be messy. So how do you deal with your high conflict ex at Christmas?
Know their MO
How do you know if your ex is a high conflict type? There are some key behaviours to watch out for. You can read more about those and how to manage your high conflict divorce right here.
When it comes to Christmas it’s likely those behaviours will manifest in two distinct ways. High conflict types thrive on drama, and they need to be the best or be the victim. So your ex will want to outshine your festivities and sabotage your plans.
There are hundreds of ways your ex could display these behaviours. Here are three of the most common scenarios at Christmas:
Splash the Christmas cash
Their Christmas is the BEST Christmas. The shiniest, sparkliest, most magical Christmas. They try to outdo you at every turn, from showering the children with extravagant gifts, to planning high-end getaways. Remember, this is never really about giving the children a good time, or even themselves a good time. It’s about winning: they are the BEST at Christmas.
Play the victim
Alternatively, Christmas is cancelled. They are too stressed, depressed or over-worked to do anything. Christmas isn’t happening for them this year – whatever your children want. They drain the Christmas cheer from you, from your children, and fill the space with their own needy gloom.
Sabotage your plans
The children are supposed to be with you by midday on Christmas day for lunch? Your ex will drop them at 2pm, if you’re lucky. You need to leave to see Uncle Steve for Boxing Day? They’ll be late. Or when you have the children they’ll constantly call and demand to speak to them.
How to prepare for your high conflict ex at Christmas
Forewarned is forearmed. If you suspect your ex might pull any of these stunts, get ready now. You can’t control how they’ll behave, but you can get plans in place to limit the damage.
Have a clear agreement
Your ex will use any grey areas to their advantage. So make sure you have a clear, written plan for what’s happening. If you have a court order, make sure you both know what it covers. If it’s an agreement between you, reiterate the rules. Document everything so there can be no excuses: agree over email rather than a phone call. Evidence that you are being clear, fair and child-focussed will serve you well if there are future court hearings.
Hold your boundaries
Stick to the plan. You can’t control whether they turn up late, but you can stick to your plan like glue. This shows your ex that you’re not up for negotiation – a strategy that draws you back into their world. So don’t play tit-for-tat if they’re half an hour late. Make sure you’re on time. Don’t agree to any changes to the written plan. You want your ex to know you mean what you say. And don’t get drawn into the power play: don’t reply to messages on Christmas Day if it’s your time with the children.
Don’t show emotion
Yes, it’s unfair and totally out of order if they’re late bringing the kids back. It’s fine to reiterate the agreement: “We agreed midday. It’s now 2 pm. That’s not okay and can’t happen again.” But don’t rage or get upset in front of them – it will add fuel to the fire. Narcissists and other high conflict personality types thrive on drama. Don’t give them any. Keep it brief, to the point, dull. This is how you drain high conflict people of their power.
Have a Plan B
If you suspect your ex will try to jeopardise your plans, think about what you will do if it comes to pass. Hopefully, you won’t need a Plan B. But if you do it will be a lot easier on your stress levels if you’ve thought about it already. And your children will be able to roll with it better too.
Focus on you and the children
The best way to deal with your high conflict ex at Christmas is to deal with them as little as possible. Make the contingency plans now, then draw a line, mentally. I say this a lot, but it’s true: the only thing you can control is your own behaviour. Not your ex’s. So, while it’s easier said than done, focus on your relationship with your children, and the Christmas you can have together.
It will be different from previous Christmases. And that can be sad. It can also be an opportunity for a reset. Spend some time now with your children agreeing what you’d love to do together. Get their ideas, and follow through on them if you can.
You may be surprised – it often isn’t the expensive outings that hold the most magic. It’s the chance to stay up late watching Christmas movies, eating chocolate until everyone feels sick. Or doing something completely different.
Throw away the rulebook and make your own. If it’s fish and chips on the beach instead of turkey dinner that gets you all excited, do it. If your children are desperate to introduce you to Plants Vs Zombies on their Nintendo Switch, indulge them. Remember, Christmas isn’t really about the glitz and presents. It’s about taking a break from daily routine and connecting with one another.
Get the support you need this Christmas
It is incredibly hard to hold the line with your high conflict ex at Christmas, while creating a festive time for you and your children.
So put some support strategies in place for yourself. Don’t rage at your ex, but do vent at trusted friends. Bash out angry emails and then delete them without sending. If your ex can’t be trusted to give the children a merry time over Christmas, enlist others to help. Meet up with friends. Go for a walk in the woods collecting holly and feeding the birds. Have a Christmas TV night together.
And think about what you want and need from Christmas for yourself. You don’t need to burn out creating magical memories for everyone. Your children need their mum to be healthy. Take time for yourself, and take shortcuts. Is your six year old really going to tell the difference between goose fat-basted roast potatoes or the Aunt Bessie’s ones from the freezer section? Will anyone really care? And if they do, does it matter?
Ditch the guilt. You are as entitled to a relaxing Christmas, just like everyone else. Put the toddlers in front of the CBeebies Christmas panto and have a prosecco with friends in the kitchen.
Get the trauma responsive divorce support you need
If you’re stressed about Christmas, I can help. I’m the UK’s only trauma responsive high conflict diversion specialist, and I’m a trauma responsive divorce strategist. Which means I can help you both navigate your own emotions, and plan for your soon-to-be-ex’s high conflict behaviours too. When you’re dealing with a high conflict ex, you need a strategy, and we can do this together.
Book in a free 15 minute consultation to see how you can make next year the one where you deal with the trauma of your divorce, and plan the life you deserve to live.
FAQs – Dealing with a difficult ex at Christmas
Q: How can I prepare emotionally for dealing with my high conflict ex at Christmas?
A: Start by noticing what you are expecting from your ex and from yourself. Be honest about what usually happens, and how it leaves you feeling. Then make a plan that centres your wellbeing: limit contact where you can, lean on people who support you, and give yourself permission to step away from arguments. Grounding practices, journalling and short moments of calm can help you feel less reactive when tensions rise.
Q: What if my high conflict ex tries to change Christmas contact arrangements at the last minute?
A: Go back to what has already been agreed, especially if it’s in writing or part of a court order. You are not obliged to accept last-minute changes because your ex is pushing for them. If a change would genuinely work better for the children and for you, you can consider it calmly. If not, you can say no without justifying or defending yourself. Keep communication brief, factual and child-focused.
Q: How do I respond when my ex provokes arguments over Christmas?
A: You do not have to engage with every message or comment. Use the BIFF approach: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. Avoid defending yourself, criticising them or revisiting old conflicts. If a message is abusive or purely inflammatory, it is often safest not to respond at all. Where children are involved, keep replies focused on practical arrangements and their needs.
Q: What can I do if my high conflict ex is using the children to get at me during Christmas?
A: This is very painful, and it is not your fault. Focus on staying steady and emotionally available for your children. Do not bad-mouth your ex to them, even if you feel tempted. Instead, validate your children’s feelings and reassure them that adult issues are not their responsibility. Keep a record of any worrying behaviour and seek legal or professional advice if you are concerned about their emotional or physical safety.
Q: How can I create a peaceful Christmas even if my ex is being difficult?
A: Christmas does not have to be perfect to be meaningful. You can create your own traditions, however small: a special breakfast, a walk, a film night in pyjamas. Keep plans simple and manageable so you are not overstretched. Give yourself permission to say no to people or events that drain you. The goal is not to prove anything to your ex, but to create enough calm and connection for you and your children to feel safe and cared for.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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