Lonely this Christmas? 5 actions to take now

Full of dread for the Christmas season? It’s understandable. The combination of schmaltz, nostalgia and the cold realities of divorce can crumble even the most practical-minded of us. As a trauma-responsive divorce coach, I want you to have space for those feelings this Christmas, and move forward too. If you’re feeling lonely this Christmas, here are 5 actions to take now. 

Allow yourself to be sad

As the CEO of your divorce and your own life you get to decide. If you need to hunker down and cry by yourself this year, it really is okay. You don’t have to pretend to be happy when you’re not. Life is not picture-perfect all the time. You might be heartbroken to be without your children. You might be grieving Christmases from happier times with your ex, and mourning Christmases you thought would happen but now won’t.

If this is a Christmas to grieve, go with the flow. Allow yourself that time with grace and self-compassion. It doesn’t mean you’ll do it every year. This too will pass. 

You may notice resistance from those around you – friends and well-meaning family who are horrified that you want to be alone. Remember, that’s their business, not yours. You don’t have to be a ‘good girl’ and please them, or put on a front. Thank them politely and firmly tell them what you want and need for yourself this year. Let them know that you might change your mind and join the party at the last minute (and that’s ok too)!

 

Get honest about the past

If you’re like many of my clients, you’d be able to tell me all sorts of horror stories about Christmases gone by. A house crowded with people, arguments and thankless chores. In the December run-up to the big day it’s easy to forget that reality, and piece together a rosy Christmas past that was amazing, by borrowing 20 minutes from 2019, an hour from 2023…. Times when you did have fun, yes, but if you’re honest, you were surrounded by a whole load of misery, guilt and loneliness too. You were probably retreading the patterns of many dysfunctional generations and family dynamics! 

Recall the reality of Christmas past for what it was – good and bad. Yes, it’s fine to mourn the loss of the happy times. But the price you paid for those was an unhealthy marriage. And now you have created the space for some new, future traditions. Ones that you perhaps can’t even imagine yet. Maybe it’s too soon. But hold onto the fact that a new, happy, healthy version of Christmas is open to you. 

Reset Christmas this year

You get to decide what you do over the holidays. If you have children and they are spending some of the time elsewhere, fill the gap with activities you choose, entirely for yourself. Things that in the past you’d have loved to do but couldn’t because they weren’t child-friendly. A last minute winter sun break? Volunteering at the shelter? A massive night out with work that you always used to say no to? 

If you stay at home, you are bound by precisely zero Christmas traditions. Want to stay in bed all day with a pile of books, a bottle of prosecco and boxes of chocolates? Do it. Bangers and mash for lunch? Fine! You’re CEO of your life and divorce and the only rules are the ones you make for yourself. 

Be honest with friends

Many of my clients feel as though they are out of sync with their married friends. They imagine everyone else is having wholesome family time with hot chocolate and matching PJs, while they’re stuck sobbing alone in front of Netflix. The best way to break the shame and stigma of this lonely feeling is to address it. 

If you’re dreading spending long days and evenings on your own, be vulnerable and say so. Text a friend and say “Steve’s got the children this Christmas and I’m dreading it. Are you free on 23rd for an hour for a walk or a glass of wine?”.

Yes, Christmas is a busy time of year – especially for those people with big families. But there are many of us for whom it doesn’t feel like that. I know because I’m one of them! Sometimes it just takes someone to speak the truth and break the spell.

And even for your friends who are caught up with a big family Christmas, I bet they will be desperate for some time out with friends, away from the chaos and pressure. So even if she can’t make that glass of wine on 23rd December, you can get a date in together. 

Give yourself the greatest gift

The greatest gift you can give yourself this Christmas is permission. What do I mean by that? I mean permission to:

• Throw away the rule book and do things your way
• Be sad when you need to 
• Distract yourself when you need to
• Really, truly rest

For all of us, Christmas is a time to replenish. It’s a time to think about what we need, and honour that. You are the CEO of your divorce and life. I’m not here to tell you to pull yourself together and stop being sad and lonely! I am here to remind you that you can be lonely, and many other things as well. You can be lonely, and be a good friend. You can be lonely, and know that going for a walk in the December sun will heal your body and soul a little. You can be sad, and notice a glimmer of hope that actually, you can reclaim Christmas for yourself. 

If you’re spending Christmas alone, the most important gift you can give yourself is the truth that you are worthy of your own care, nurture, kindness and respect.

Join the Absolute Academy this Christmas

If you want to join a community of women who get it, because they’re going through the same right now, come and join From just £97 a month, be part of a community to share celebrations and worries, cut out the noise and get my direct support on moving your divorce forward. 

So if you want to relax and look forward to the future in 2026, come and join us in The Absolute Academy!

 

About Emma

Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’

Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of  The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com