Your divorce – what’s holding you back?
You know you’re a smart woman but you just can’t seem to move forward. Does that feel familiar? In Your divorce – what’s holding you back? we look at some of these reasons that you may be struggling right now.
New Year is peak season for divorce intentions. If you read my blog on divorce first steps, you’ll know two things:
1. Whether you’re in it for the right reasons
2. That action is the way forward.
You also know that fear pops up at times like these –when we’re about to shake up the status quo, especially when we put our own needs first.
Fear doesn’t like us to rock the boat. So, if the thought of starting divorce has you quaking in your boots, know that you’re not alone.
Know that you are perfectly normal.
We are all wired to listen to fear, and for our bodies and minds to pay attention when it pipes up. It’s a part of being human. It’s kept our species alive for millennia. Fear is working very hard to keep us safe. It wants us (you, me, the entire human race) to go on existing.
Fear only has part of the picture
So, fear is on our side. But, sadly, fear doesn’t have all the information. Fear is stuck in the Paleolithic period, when humans developed. Back then, when fear spoke up, if we didn’t listen, we got eaten. It genuinely was a flight or fight situation (and given the creatures we shared the world with, flight was often the way to go!).
We are programmed to respond more strongly to negative information than positive. If we know that outside the cave is a bird we can hunt and eat (positive) but there’s also a hungry giant bear looking for fresh meat (negative), which piece of information are we going to act on? We need to listen to the negative to stay alive.
Our brains haven’t evolved much in 2.5 million years. What fear doesn’t know is that bears are no longer on the scene – not in the same way, anyway! These days, our fears are much less primal, and often come from our ability to imagine, project forward and overthink. So fears about whether it’s the right decision to start divorce proceedings feels the same as the threat of being eaten.
The key thing fear hasn’t grasped in the 21st century is that simply surviving isn’t the same thing as living.
You are worth so much more than mere survival.
You deserve to feel fully alive. Here are some of the things that are your birthright, as a person:
- The right to feel happy and fulfilled
- To believe it’s ok to put your needs first
- The right to change your mind
- To examine your values and own them without judgement
- The right to enjoy life.
You will not be eaten if you take action on your divorce. If divorce is right for you, I guarantee you will change your life for the better.
And even better, at the moment you can sign up for Get Divorce Ready – a programme that will teach you all you need to know so you can divorce on your terms.
What does modern day fear look like?
Do you want to know whether it’s fear holding you back from taking action, or a genuine problem?
Here’s a major sign it’s fear. You’re worried about not having enough. It might be not enough time, not enough money, not enough strength. Fear likes to tell us these things because it keeps us in our place.
Let’s examine each of these ‘not enoughs’ in order.
Not enough time
I get it. If you feel stressed, if you work, if you are a parent, you have huge demands on your time. Any time you do have for yourself you want to spend relaxing, not getting to grips with something unpleasant like divorce.
Forever is a long time though. If you don’t take action to end your marriage, that’s what you get instead. The rest of your life in a marriage that makes you feel small, unhappy and lonely. You are worth so much more than that!
Time is a limited resource, we can’t create more hours in the day. But we can be aware of how we use those hours. If you want to make your divorce happen, remember it won’t take forever. It depends on your situation, but the work you put into your divorce may only take a few months. Compare that with the rest of your life which is the time cost of doing nothing.
Get Divorce Ready cuts down the time even more, because you avoid the mistakes women make when they go it alone. You focus on the action needed, in the order it’s needed. You develop strategies to help you make decisions that will benefit you, and any children. You minimise the risk of drama and conflict. In short, you save time.
Not enough money
Sometimes, yes, there isn’t enough money to go around. When it comes to divorce, there are sources of free support.
Often though, it’s a question of priorities. One of the biggest reasons women don’t work with me, or put off any major decision, is they think they can’t afford it.
If that’s you, take a moment to think about where your money goes. Take a moment to think about how much you spent on your wedding. Or your gym membership for six months, or a gingerbread latte each day over a year.
It is not for me to tell you what you can afford. But I am a coach, as well as a divorce expert. And I know that people who are clear on their values, clear on their priorities and act in accordance with them lead happier, more confident, more fulfilling lives.
It’s always wise to do an audit every so often to see how your money is spent, and whether it supports the life you want to live, or whether you are letting money leak into people and places that do not serve you.
In divorce in particular, people expect to pay out a fortune to solicitors, as though that’s one of the unwritten rules of the universe.
If you believe that, of course you will believe there isn’t enough money for anything else. What if I were to tell you that in some cases you don’t need a solicitor until it comes to drafting an agreement you reached together or through mediation?
And that if you work with me and learn how to instruct a solicitor properly, at the optimal time, you will probably save hundreds or thousands of pounds?
Not enough strength
Women often worry they don’t have what it takes to start and see through the divorce process. Staying put feels easier. Like I said earlier though, forever is a long time. That’s a lot of life to compromise on.
We often have the strength we need when we need it – think back to a time of crisis when you surprised yourself. If something is important to you, you find a way to make it happen.
But that doesn’t have to mean you’re on your own. There is strength in numbers. There is strength in knowing you are supported by a professional who has over a decade of experience in this field.
You are strong enough but that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. Imagine having a group of women who have your back and will cheer you on, from the start, right the way through to the end and beyond. That’s the community Get Divorce Ready gives you.
So, if you’re ready to move forward, if you know divorce is the right next step, claim one of the few remaining places on Get Divorce Ready. We start 31st January 2019 – it’s time to act!
The Divorce Alchemist
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a practising family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self study and group programmes. Emma is featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com