It’s a bank holiday here in the UK: how are you spending it? Have you got the tree down already and can’t wait to get the children back to school? Or are you holding onto the last of the holidays, not ready to look 2023 in the eye yet? Either is fine! And, either way, today feels like a good time to introduce myself and what Divorce Alchemy is all about.
If you’re new here…
…I want you to know you’re in safe hands. Whether it’s you who made the decision to leave, or your spouse who did the leaving, you’re in the right place. Here’s what you can expect:
- Understanding: after eight years of divorce coaching, and 13 years of being a legal adviser and mediator before that, I understand the complexities of divorce. Not just the legal system: the emotions, the power plays, the sense of loss and the sense of hope. I don’t pretend to know you and your marriage inside out, but I’m here to listen.
- Support: divorce can be lonely, overwhelming and confusing. My mission is to change all that. I offer free support on this blog (there’s a treasure trove of searchable information and advice to delve into here) and on the Six Minute Divorce Podcast. I also have a community for women who want to take charge of their divorce, The Absolute Academy, and offer a range of 1:1 coaching packages.
- Information: in 2017 I wrote How To Be A Lady Who Leaves: The Ultimate Guide To Getting Divorce Ready and the third edition is being released next week! If you order your copy before 4th January you also get free access to my webinar: How to Be a Lady Who Leaves: Getting Started. Get your book and your free place here!
- To move forward: I am all about you getting your divorce done on your terms. That doesn’t mean taking your spouse to the cleaners, or playing mind games. And it certainly doesn’t mean being a doormat and giving up everything just to get it all over with. It means getting clear on what you want and need from your future, making a divorce plan that can handle curveballs, and step by step walking your way to freedom. I can show you how.
Where are you at now?
You may be feeling a whole host of emotions about your separation and divorce. Maybe loss is front and centre at the moment, and contemplating a different future feels too much. Maybe you’re drowning in the logistics of life as a single person and parent. Perhaps you are desperate to get your spouse out of your life. Maybe you’ve made peace with it all and are looking forward to the next phase. Maybe you feel all of these things at once!
It’s all valid, and normal. You will experience a rollercoaster of emotions as you divorce, just as you do when someone dies. I’ve written more about grief and divorce here.
Every divorce is unique, just as every marriage is unique. Your family circumstances, your financial situation, the extent to which you and your spouse are able to divorce amicably are all factors in how you can approach the divorce process. But, whatever happens, it’s important to focus on you and your future. Of course, you need to make space to grieve, and to go at the right pace for you. But I see so many women wasting precious energy (let alone time and money) raking over the past, and playing power games because they don’t want to let their other half ‘win’.
Divorce isn’t about winning and losing. Done well, divorce is a process of closure: one that sets you up for a healthy and positive future. This time of year is great for planning: I encourage all my clients to have a vision for their future, and I urge you to as well. How would you like to end 2023? Be both positive and realistic. Once you’ve sketched that out, what are the steps you need to take to get there?
And what about me?
I’ve told you a little about Divorce Alchemy, and what I do to help women through divorce. But how much do you know about me? Here are five facts about me, Emma, the person behind Divorce Alchemy:
- I’ve never been divorced and couldn’t have children. So when I support you I don’t bring any of my own emotional ‘stuff’ around divorce
- I’m a newlywed (relatively speaking, it’s been around 18 months now)! I have lots of adventures with my wonderful husband, but our lives have been complicated recently with his diagnosis of Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
- I love watching Married At First Sight and trying to guess who will stay the course or not – it’s my guilty pleasure! Do I get it right all the time? No, I reckon I have a 70% success rate!
- I’m a twin, and we’re both Virgo star signs, if that means anything to you!
- I am a recovering lawyer. What do I mean by that? It means I felt worn out by some of the aspects of the legal process (as I bet you do too!). What I really wanted was to support my clients as people, because I know divorce is so much more than a paper trail for the people actually going through it. But lawyers can’t be there for all that (and if they are you’re being charged for every six minutes!). I love my work now, that I get to help you with the 360 of divorce, as much as little as you need. Believe me, over the years I’ve seen it all!
Finally, the big question: is divorce right for you?
It might surprise you that I don’t go around advocating divorce. In fact, the entire first chapter of How To Be A Lady Who Leaves is all about whether the decision to leave is the right one. And here’s why: if the cause of your unhappiness is you, you’ll leave and nothing will have changed. Life will have just got more complicated (and probably more acrimonious). You take yourself with you.
Sounds harsh? Yes, but, it’s a truth told with your very best interests at heart. As a coach my job is to help you make the best decisions for you, and that means working on yourself sometimes. The good news is that it means your future is in your hands, whether you divorce or not.
Are you serious about divorce? You can be seriously considering it, or seriously determined to go: both are important. And I can help you with both! Pre-order your copy of How To Be A Lady Who Leaves before 9 January, and you can join my webinar on getting started absolutely free. And don’t worry if you can’t make it live, I’ll send you the recording!
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com