Divorce for high-achieving women is more complicated than you thought it would be. Afterall, isn’t it just another project with budgets, deadlines and negotiations? Well, yes but no.
You’ve probably heard of Transactional Analysis, the psychological framework developed by Eric Berne which considers the 3 ego states – child, parent, adult. The theory was further extended by clinical psychologist Taibi Kahler and the concept of Drivers. The drivers are five internal rules, that we make for ourselves in early life that state our sense of being ok as conditional, not automatic. So I’m OK if… (Kahler, 1975). This conditional nature of being ok means we have to do something to be ok.
Your drivers are undoubtedly part of the reason you have achieved the success you have in your schooling, career choice and progression – it’s not all bad news. However, at times of crisis and stress, we can double down on these drivers in an unhealthy way. They actually cause us more stress or get us stuck, even though they are designed to help us be safe.
You will likely recognise yourself in at least one or two of the five drivers below. See them as useful information to support your self-awareness. They are not personality types or define who you are. Each driver has an antidote, which TA calls an ‘allower’ or ‘permission’. You can practice giving yourself permission. The ‘allowers’ below are drawn from Kahler.
The five rules that shape divorce for high-achieving women:
Rule 1: Be Perfect. “I’m OK if I get everything right.”
The Be Perfect rule says your worth depends on you being flawless and perfect. You were possibly a prefect at school, disappointed if you got one wrong in your spelling test or didn’t win the race. You were and have always been, a “good girl”. In your career, it has made you meticulous, credible, and trusted with the big decisions. If you’re not the CEO, she trusts you implicitly. You always over deliver.
In divorce, perfectionism is painful. You overthink everything. You want your financial forms to be perfect to the penny. You want your parenting plan to cover every eventuality and more. You worry constantly that you’ll get something ‘wrong’. The result is you procrastinate causing delay and frustration in yourself and your soon to be ex. If you are experiencing trauma this may manifest in freezing and doing nothing for fear of it not being ‘right’ or over compensating and swamping professionals with information. The reality can be challenging to accept.
There is no perfect settlement, only compromise. When it comes to divorce, nothing will be perfect. The how and when to tell the children may be messy however well you plan it and have the children’s other parent on board. You won’t sail through divorce without some scars. Giving yourself standards that can’t be met will lead to a feeling of failure so set the standards down. Good enough is enough.
The allower is simple yet challenging for the perfectionist: it’s OK to be myself. In divorce terms, aim for the good enough decision, made well and on time, rather than the perfect decision never made.
Rule 2: Be Strong. “I’m OK if I don’t show feelings or needs.”
The Be Strong driver has also helped you build your career and manage your family. You are the one that everyone at work or home turns to. You are probably the one in your friendship circle who can handle a crisis and offer tissues and a solution. You feel good- both competent and capable.
In divorce, Be Strong can mean that you struggle to accept support or admit when you are overwhelmed. There might even be an internal voice that says you are weak asking for help or that you’ll be taken advantage of if you show what you perceive to be weakness. The risk is that you don’t ask for support when you need it – not just emotional support but legal or financial advice too. You matter.
The allower is: it’s OK to be open, and to take care of my own needs. Being Strong can mean putting your needs first so you can be resilient for your children. It might be that you need to take a temporary step back in a project at work, so you can focus on moving the divorce forward. It might mean speaking to HR about time off, rather than powering through as if nothing is changing in your personal life.
Rule 3: Please Others. “I’m OK if everyone is pleased with me.”
The Please Others rule is strong within you if you need to be liked. Whether at home, in your friendship circle or in the office, you like to know that you are liked and respected. You struggle to make unpopular decisions and you like to be seen as firm in your leadership but approachable friendly and fair. It makes you a good leader of a team or your family.
In divorce, the Please Others driver can be toxic to you. You spend more time managing your ex’s emotions and those of your friends and family than you do your own. You feel guilty because your mother as well as your children are devastated, and you consider whether you should just stay together so everyone will be ok. In mediation you feel so guilt ridden that you over compromise just to feel better.
The allower is: it’s OK to consider and respect myself. You matter and you are ok in having your own needs met. It’s your job to please you first and not to save anyone else. If friends and family are upset with you, that’s on them. Remind yourself that long term, if you are unhappy in your marriage, your children will feel that unhappiness. As much as they are struggling right now, staying for them is not a healthy solution for you or for them.
Rule 4: Hurry Up. “I’m OK if I do it fast.”
Hurry Up is the driver of the deadline-driven executive, the woman with ADHD who makes impulsive decisions because they feel really good and exciting. Let’s make decisions on this and what’s next?! The Hurry Up Driver is also present in the traumatised person in panic mode feeling uncomfortable and wanting the discomfort to stop.
In divorce, the Hurry Up Driver means you feel called to agree so it’s over. Because you can move on to the next project at work, because you’re bored on this now and thinking about this, because you are scared and you want it to stop. Your divorce decisions may last a life time. I’m not just talking about the emotional impact on you and your children, but the financial ones – where you’ll live and the pension you will live off. A quick agreement is not necessarily a well-considered one and it can come back to haunt you.
The allower is: it’s OK to take my time. Recognise that slow and steady can win the race as the saying goes. Not being slow for the sake of it, but calm, measured and considered. Faster isn’t better.
Rule 5: Try Hard. “I’m OK if I keep trying.”
Try Hard is effort as identity: the rule that says something only counts if it costs you because “God loves a tryer”. It means you struggle to let go. I took my GCSE maths 5 times – yes 5 times because I couldn’t let it go. I already had a Masters in Law by this point. Did it really matter anyway? Where do you put effort in life? Possibly in ‘trying’ to make your marriage work. Maybe to be liked by your boss, to be the best mum on the PTA, to be recognised as going above and beyond on a project at work.
In divorce, The Try Hard driver looks like escalating ‘effort’. Another book about divorce, narcissism or the impact of divorce on children. Another strategy. Another email drafted and redrafted at midnight. Another attempt at explaining why something is fair to someone who isn’t being reasonable. Yet another email sent asking for disclosure. The thing about divorce is, your effort is not rewarded in proportionate terms. You can ‘effort’ as much as you like but you’ll not see the result because the effort is the rule, so when is good enough ok?
The allower is: it’s OK to do it. To stop trying and start doing. If an approach isn’t working, more effort isn’t always the answer. Sometimes what’s needed is a different approach, or the right support to find one. Issue court proceedings if you need to.
From “I’m OK If” to “I’m OK”
So you see, whatever your drivers are, they are holding you back from starting or from finishing this divorce. Your drivers were designed to keep you safe at a time you didn’t have language or rational and relational thought. It’s why so many of the women I work with feel like they’re failing. They aren’t. It’s just that their drivers aren’t helpful in this phase of their life.
The work isn’t to delete your drivers – that’s not possible. Some of these habits will have supported your success. The work is to notice when a rule is running you unconsciously so that you can give yourself permission instead. Permission to be good enough, to be open, to consider yourself, to take your time, to simply do it.
This shift, from conditional to unconditional OK-ness, will help you move forward when you are feeling overwhelmed and stuck. Progress over perfection every time.
If you recognise yourself in these five rules, that recognition is not another thing to fix. It’s the beginning of doing your divorce (and your life) differently.
Let me ask you this: which rule is running you right now? Write it down, write its allower beside it, and notice how that changes your perception.
If you would like support to understand these patterns and make considered decisions during your divorce, I work with senior women at exactly this crossroads. Book a call with me here: Book Emma.
FAQs
Q: What are the five drivers in Transactional Analysis?
A:Be Perfect, Be Strong, Please Others, Hurry Up and Try Hard. Taibi Kahler described them as internal rules, learned early in life, that make our sense of being OK conditional: “I’m OK if…”. They often help us succeed, but under prolonged stress they can start working against us.
Q: Why do high-achieving women often struggle with divorce?
A:The habits that drive career success, such as perfectionism, self-reliance, pleasing others, speed and relentless effort, don’t transfer well to divorce. There is no perfect outcome, only compromise, and decisions have long-term consequences.
Q: What is an "allower" in Transactional Analysis?
A: An allower is a permission statement that counters a driver, such as “it’s OK to take your time” or “it’s OK to be open”. Rather than deleting the driver, you practise giving yourself the permission when you notice the rule running you.
Q: Is it normal to feel like I'm failing at everything during divorce?
A: It’s very common among the accomplished women I work with. Divorce tests every rule that has served you, all at once. You aren’t failing, your drivers aren’t serving you and you can make different choices consciously.
Q: How do I stop being a perfectionist while going through divorce?
A: Aim for the good enough decision, made well and on time, rather than the perfect decision never made. Work out what matters most to you, accept that every option involves compromises, and take independent legal advice on the big decisions so you aren’t carrying them alone.
Q: Should I settle quickly to get my divorce over with?
A: Not necessarily. Decisions about housing, pensions and time with your children can have consequences for decades. Learn to tell what is genuinely urgent from what only feels urgent, and take independent legal and financial advice before you agree to anything.
Q: Why do I keep putting everyone else's needs first in my divorce?
A: This is often the Please Others rule at work. A practical step is to pause before conceding anything and ask, “What do I actually need here?” Then advocate for that with the same skill you’d use for any other stakeholder, because you are one.
Q: Can divorce coaching help senior women make better decisions?
A: Coaching can help you notice which rule is running you and make considered, rather than reactive, decisions. It complements legal and financial advice rather than replacing it. [Book a call with me here: Book Emma].
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, and ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’ online programmes.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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