Are you and your soon-to-be-ex stuck in the same old patterns of interacting? Do they keep the conflict high, and your divorce stuck with the wheels spinning? Chances are, you’re in the drama triangle. We took a deep dive into the drama triangle last month – you can catch up here. This time we’re looking at how to shift that dynamic to the far healthier empowerment triangle.
What’s the problem with the drama triangle?
The drama triangle consists of Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer. And playing these roles keeps you stuck, whichever role you find yourself in. Let’s look at how this might show up in divorce:
As Victim, you’re focussed on all the ways everything has gone wrong for you, and how badly treated you’re being. In this mode, you’re in a state of powerlessness, and seeing the world through the lens of being ‘done to’. In other words, you give up your agency. This can happen frequently in divorce when one party views their soon-to-be-ex as the villain of the piece, and feels ground down by them. Obviously, it’s often the case that terrible behaviours have occurred. But in Victim mode, there’s no way to escape.
As Perpetrator you usually communicate in blame and shame terms. In the Perpetrator’s eyes, ‘it’s all your fault’. The Perpetrator’s main focus is controlling the situation and being right. In divorce this shows up as someone who is focussed on assigning blame rather than having a future focus.
A Rescuer wants to fix things. They will enter the triangle to help ‘sort things out’, but as a result of doing so, can entrench the roles of Victim and Perpetrator. By helping the Victim, the Victim feels more powerless, and becomes dependent on the Rescuer. The Rescuer can also end up validating the Perpetrator, who doubles down on their behaviours.
Each of us has potential to play any of these roles in life and in divorce. Dynamics can shift around the triangle very quickly. For example, if someone in Victim mode forcefully pushes back at the Perpetrator, those roles can flip. But actually shifting away from the drama triangle into the empowerment triangle takes some conscious effort.
What is the empowerment triangle?
If the drama triangle fuels conflict, the empowerment triangle fuels healthy communication. And this is because the focus becomes on the future – on what you DO want, rather than the problem with where you are now. The empowerment triangle Which is exactly what divorce coaching is all about too – acknowledging the reality of where you are, but focussing on where you want to be and how you can work your way towards it.
The empowerment triangle, conceived by David Emerald and Donna Zajonc, also has three roles:
Creator: in this triangle, the Victim becomes the Creator. Rather than focus on the conditions that are keeping them stuck, the Creator sees reality for what it is now, and also is energised by where they want to be. Which gives them a solution-oriented perspective.
Challenger: rather than act as a Persecutor, taking control and blaming the Victim, the Challenger has a focus on what an ideal outcome is, and provides helpful nudges and questions to keep all parties moving towards their goal. This no longer has a focus of control, but it more about trusting all members of the triangle to do things their own way.
Coach: the Rescuer evolves into a Coach – no longer with a focus of saving the Victim or fixing the situation, they now support the Creator to take their own steps. They are encouraging and positive, but don’t attach their self worth to the outcome or need to be the saviour.
You can read more about the empowerment triangle here.
How can you shift from one to the other?
Making the shift is about choosing your response to life. It’s about an acceptance of where you are now, with a focus on where you want to be. This is true for each of the three roles, which means the change in the triangle can start with you, whatever role you’re playing.
Let’s take an example.
Kate was divorcing her husband. He responded badly to the separation, and wasn’t playing his part in looking after the children, or getting anything done. He very much saw himself as a victim, with Kate being the perpetrator.
Kate, at first, felt guilty for instigating the divorce and was doing whatever she could to make things easier for her husband. She was managing the family diary, and picking up the children from school all the time. She also helped him find a lawyer and complete paperwork. Over time, Kate became exhausted from doing all the work (in rescuer mode) and started to resent her husband, blaming him for their marriage ending, and for the delays in the divorce process.
She came to me for help. She felt like she was at the end of her tether trying to hold everything together. With me, Kate worked on letting go. She no longer did the paperwork for her husband, or offer to step in with the children when he asked. Neither did she put him down. To be clear, she didn’t fully step into Coach mode with her husband, because it’s important to have boundaries in divorce! But she did step away from Rescuer mode, without stepping into Victim or Perpetrator mode, which gave her husband the space and respect he needed to step up.
And, it wasn’t perfect, but he did step up. He adjusted to the new reality. He started showing up for his children more. He still wasn’t happy about divorce, and blamed Kate, but when she didn’t add fuel to the conflict, the blaming texts and passive aggressive child handovers quietened down.
Three takeaways about the empowerment triangle
There are three main points I’d like you to take forward after reading this:
- It’s all about changing your focus
The drama triangle is all about the problem – usually with my clients it means their attention is on why the marriage is over and how their soon-to-be-ex is preventing them from moving on. Stepping into the empowerment triangle is all about having a new focus – what you want from the future and what’s possible.
For the Perpetrator to become the Challenger, this is also the case. It means they shift from blame, to more clear-sighted, helpful questioning about how to reach the destination. And for the Rescuer to become the Coach, it’s about trusting the creator to handle the situation in their way, and to support their vision and approach.
- It’s a simple but hard shift
It’s so human to fall into the drama triangle roles. And as soon as one person does it, like a dance, other people step into their own roles. Stepping out of it requires conscious effort. It involves trusting yourself first, and pausing before you respond. And this is work that has to be repeated time and time again for new patterns to form. It’s certainly not easy, but it’s worth it.
- It can change everything – whatever role you play
Because a triangle, whether it’s the drama or empowerment version, involves dynamics, all it takes is one person to change their approach for the triangle to stop.
If you’re the Victim, taking personal responsibility is the antidote to people behaving like Perpetrators and Rescuers. If you’re the Perpetrator, shifting to a building up, less controlling form of communication invites people to step out of Victim and Rescue mode. And if you’re the Rescuer, moving towards encouraging others and trusting they can handle it will enable people to move out of Victim and Perpetrator modes.
Are you desperate for a new way forward? One that has a ripple effect on those around you, and equips you to handle anything that comes your way? I’d love to support you during your divorce. Divorce coaching is about so much more than getting through the months of negotiations and paperwork. It’s about creating a future you can be excited about. And it all starts with you.
Book your free 15 minute call with me here. I can’t wait to get started!
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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