How to Trust You’re Making The Best Decisions Through Your Divorce

written by

Emma Heptonstall

Emmaheptonstall.com Image

date published

1st August 2022

This guest blog comes from coach and intuitive spiritual mentor, Anne-Louise Harbutt. Anne-Louise has years of experience helping women develop and deepen trust in their true self and soul. In this blog she draws on her own divorce story to share how the decision to divorce can be one of the most empowering you can ever make.

Do you trust yourself? Trust yourself to make the best decisions and choices in your life? Or do you feel stuck with all the thoughts in your head, spinning in overwhelm?

It’s not always easy to trust and have faith in what you do whilst trying to navigate through the challenges of life – and divorce is one of the biggest challenges you’ll ever face.

Whether it is your decision or not to leave a marriage, it brings up a tonne of emotion: of not feeling good enough, shame, guilt and questioning yourself and your life choices. But all that darkness and uncertainty can actually be a gift: a way through to listening and activating your inner knowing. Here’s how to trust you’re making the best decisions though your divorce.

My divorce story

I remember it like it was yesterday. 25 years old, sitting in a solicitor’s office trying to comprehend what the man behind the large mahogany desk (who was the same age as my father) was saying about divorce, my house and money.

I’d been married less than 2 years. We’d been together for 5 years in total. I always feel a need to mention those additional three years to justify my decision to leave the marriage. Because it was my choice – I was the lady who left. I knew I could no longer be in the relationship. My husband hadn’t done anything wrong; I just knew we were not meant to be together, and I had made a mistake.

I felt incredibly guilty. So guilty and ashamed for letting everyone down. My husband, my parents, his parents, his siblings, and friends. It felt like I had shocked and disappointed every single one of them.

But, still, I had to do it. I had to leave. I had such a strong feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was the best decision for both of us. My intuition was so strong, and I knew, however hard and upsetting it would be all round, I had to go.

I had to trust myself and my decision. But in some ways the decision to leave was easier than trying to trust myself during the divorce process that followed. Because then the emotion hit. How could I have done this? How could I have been so selfish?

But it was actually a selfless decision because it was the right one. Even though we had to navigate through the finances and separation of a property and belongings, I had to trust my original knowing.

What’s trust got to do with divorce?

Trusting yourself is so important when going through divorce. Trusting the decisions you make, whether you’re doing the right thing financially, for your family and for yourself. It doesn’t make it easy though, does it? The tonne of emotion and uncertainty with all the possible outcomes and feeling totally out of control is scary and frustrating.

After embarking on divorce, you need to learn to trust yourself all over again. How can things have turned out this way? How could you have misjudged the situation so badly?

You didn’t. You made a decision with what you knew then, who you were then, and things change, people change. What if you chose to believe you didn’t do anything wrong? What if you forgave yourself for those decisions, rather than holding on to regret?

What if, instead, you stepped into your power? You recognised and owned what you want for yourself and your family?

This may be the first time you’ve ever thought this way. The first time you’ve even considered putting your wants and needs first. This is not about being selfish, or having it all your own way. It’s about you standing up for YOU and trusting yourself on a deep level.

How do you begin to trust yourself?

So how do you do that? Where do you even start?

Firstly, it’s okay not to be okay. Acknowledge how you are feeling each day and have compassion and understanding for that. Be kind to yourself. It is all too easy to listen to your inner critic. The voice that continues to remind you how you are not good enough, how you can’t get anything right and you don’t know what the right next step is.

Know that learning to trust yourself takes time. You’ve probably not thought about YOU for a long time, and you’ve put everyone else first, feeling responsible for everyone and everything. It takes time to build that trust. Take small steps every day. Forgive yourself for any decisions you made that no longer serve you and know you can start trusting yourself from this very moment.

Focus on where you do trust yourself every day. If you drive a car and navigate the road, you are trusting yourself to drive that vehicle safely every time you get in the car. If you use technology, you are trusting yourself to tap the right keys, make the right clicks to navigate this online space. If you made a cup of tea or coffee today you have used boiling water and electricity, two things that can be fatal, but you trust yourself to use them daily.

These are everyday tasks, but your brain loves logical evidence, and this evidence proves that you trust yourself multiple times a day. What we focus on expands, so focus on the many areas you trust yourself, not where you don’t trust yourself.

And lastly, trust your intuition. That gut feel, that inner knowing will always guide you on the right path. Pause each day to listen and notice. It knows the best next step for you.

Trusting yourself isn’t always going to be easy, sometimes your intuition guides you to make decisions which are far out of your comfort zone. But just because the decision is scary, it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong one.

Trust that you will make the right decisions now and you will continue to make the right decisions in the future.

Trust that despite it feeling like madness, your decision to divorce is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

Trust that you have everything within you to live your best life – because you do.

You can find out more about Anne-Louise and her amazing work here.

And if you want my support as you navigate the emotional roller coaster of divorce, I’m here for you. Book in a free chat today.

About Emma

Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of  The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com

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