Divorce gets a bad rap, and it’s easy to see why. It’s number three on the list of stressful life events (topped only by the death of a spouse or child). No-one enters into marriage expecting it to end. And there are far too many stories of divorces going horribly – acrimonious splits, battles over children, family finances poured into solicitor’s fees.
I’m here to tell you that while all that can be true, there is another way. It is possible to have a good divorce. It takes work, and it doesn’t mean everything will be perfect, but it’s possible. Here are my five secrets of a good divorce.
Good divorce stops the rot
When you push the fact your marriage is over under the rug, everything festers. Your relationship with your spouse gets even worse, because you feel trapped. Your stress levels shoot up, because you’re living with this horrible truth, and you’re trying to mask it.
I hear so many women tell me they know their marriage is done, but they’re hanging on in there until the children are at university, or until they get a promotion, or until the housing market changes, or… [insert your reason here].
The truth is, a good divorce:
- preserves a decent working relationship with your spouse
- means happier, more effective co-parenting
- costs you less stress and money
A good divorce feels better than a bad marriage – both during and after the process. Yes, divorce is stressful, but, and you know this in your bones, a bad marriage is hell. It’s living a lie, it’s exhausting and it’s wasting your life away. A good divorce means you can finally focus on what’s important. How to live the life you want to live.
Good divorce puts the children first
If I could bust any myth about divorce it’s that you should ‘stay together for the kids’. What does this teach children? It teaches them what an unhappy relationship looks like – which means that’s what they’ll expect for themselves. It teaches them to put their happiness to one side, and to accept being treated badly. It trains them to communicate with animosity and frustration.
If your marriage is over, you owe it to your children as well as yourself to take the reins in divorce. Show them what it’s like to live with integrity, and treat yourself and those around you with respect, and boundaries. And give them a home life that’s peaceful, not ruptured with arguments and tension.
But don’t take it from me, here’s what a client’s child, Ben, says about it:
“They were always fighting and I never got to spend time with anybody but the dog and the TV and the toys. We couldn’t even eat dinner without it bursting into an argument. Now what I love is that they have different houses and there’s good things about being with each of them. With Mum, we love to go on walks and when we come home, all we have to do is just snuggle up with a blanket, and watch TV for a little time. And with Dad, l get to game properly – Mum’s terrible at that.”
A good divorce means your children get to be children again.
Good divorce needs good communication
What does good communication look like? That depends. Communication is a two way street and you can only be responsible for your part.
Ideally, both you and your spouse will:
- Have a common goal of amicable divorce
- Listen to each other
- Communicate with openness, honesty and clarity
- Own up if you mess up
One of the most effective ways to do this is with the support of a trained family mediator. Their role as an impartial third party is to help you have open, productive communication, in which you work through conflict and reach agreement, particularly on financial and child arrangements.
But what if your spouse can’t or won’t commit to mutually respectful conversation? Then you need to protect yourself and turn to BIFF, a style of communication set out by Billy Eddy:
Brief – don’t invite big discussion
Informative – move the divorce along, stay on task
Firm – be clear about your boundaries
Friendly – be respectful and civil.
Good communication takes work! It’s one of the major things I support clients with. But it’s worth it in fairer child and financial arrangements, as well as the self respect you’ll get from advocating for yourself properly.
Good divorce has a strategy
I cannot stress this enough. Don’t go with the flow with your divorce! Yes, it’s great to be flexible, because curveballs happen. But, without a strategy, how do you know what you want your life, and your children’s lives, to look like? And how do you know what steps you need to take to get there?
A good divorce means you take control: of your money, your goals, your home, your decisions. And you can’t do that by hiding and hoping. You do that by stepping up. I talk about divorcing like a CEO because that’s what you need to be: someone who understands what they want and need, and harnesses the resources they have to get there. Whatever your life looks like right now, you can and need to divorce like a CEO.
Good divorce unlocks your future
Divorce is not just about the end of your marriage. That’s not even the main event. It’s about the start of the rest of your life. A good divorce will leave you empowered, in control and excited for your future. Which is miles away from what life in an unhealthy marriage is like.
There’s too much at stake to settle for a bad marriage or a bad divorce. You owe it to yourself to take the steps your future self is desperate for you to take. Working with me will save you time, money and stress: you’ll feel informed, equipped and excited for what the future holds. And I’m excited for you too! Let’s do this together.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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